Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan
by HerpiousDerpious
Summary: This is the story, of a guy getting squished, then sucked into naruto, and then being placed inside a little girls body. Likely will be crack but may get serious at points Rated M for heavy language, innuendo and some minor to major graphic descriptions, readers you have been warned. Currently on hiatus until i can get chapter six back from my old laptop
1. Chapter 1: WHY AM I A GIRL?

Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Chapter – 1 – WHY THE HELL AM I A GIRL!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, I do however own this laptop.

Hello and welcome to the CFNHMS network, don't touch that dial (unless you're already put off then kindly go) so that you can read this amazingly terrible unoriginal piece of garbage that I call a story, I'm your host nameless guy and I'm being held here against my will (SEND HELP!)

Now this whole self-insert shtick's been done before and an Uchiha with the mangekyo already is common as hell but I haven't seen many where it's a dude turned into a chick (in fact I've only seen like three stories that start that way) as si-oc anyways)) and having to deal with hormonal imbalances and shit (but that won't be for a while and I'll have to research the hell outta that) while also dealing with plotting, subterfuge, rampant mind wandering, putting up with children, a revenge obsessed Sasuke, a painfully oblivious Naruto and being rude enough to earn many people's ire. (likely yours as well)

Now our story begins with death, usually that would be something like a car crash, getting murdered or slipping on stairs or something like that. Well in this story our protagonist was flattened by a construction crane falling off a high-rise being re-constructed in Wellington, New Zealand.

Now I won't be going into detail about much and im gonna probably skip bits but info dumps Will happen and will likely be frequent, for instance the new age of our new hero is seven, making them the same age as the rookie nine post massacre, which is when they wake up in a hospital ward and thus we start the story.

Pain blossomed everywhere, and the only thing I could think was 'how in our lord and saviour fuck did I survive getting squished?' what I didn't expect was a reply in the form of 'fuck knows' and I thought to myself 'mate that's why I asked him' then realised I was having a conversation in my head. I promptly stopped thinking and tried to open my eyes. Keyword here being TRIED cause everything was in such hyper detail to the point it burnt my retinas when I tried to look up and all I could see was SUN REFLECTED WHITE SURFACE GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT. Why couldn't it be a light gray ceiling or black that's a good idea maybe it WON'T burn the eyes of patients.

I wiggled around a bit but found myself strapped to a bed covered in bandages from the neck down. Also my body was TINY, like three, four feet tall.

I heard a fast-ish beeping and noticed that I was hooked to an IV bag and a heart rate monitor displaying a fluctuating 75 to 83 bpm rate. I was also painfully aware of a coursing sensation roiling through my body and wondered what the hell it was as I tried to sit up, but all I got for my troubles was a burning sensation that made me groan. And that groan was feminine as hell, like yeah when you're little your voice is high pitched but that was ACTUALLY girly. Then a nurse walked in and started replacing the blood in the IV before noticing I was actually awake. She does not appear to have situational awareness because she squawked, like ACTUALLY squawked and ran off.

My stomach growled, and I REALLY wished I could get mince pie in a hospital. I don't think you could. Shit. Anyway duck lady came back with this old guy and another doctor and this old guy had a MAJOR resemblance to the third Hokage from Naruto, robes hat and all that, and all I could do was wriggle a little, and when I tried to talk I just croaked like a crow or something. Old guy just smiled and chuckled a bit, but the three of them freaked when I glared at them. Everything was all clear but I felt a drain on that stuff I could feel. I don't like that feeling much. Old guy said to the two doctors and like, THREE (took me a little) other people in the room that what they saw was not to leave this room, under threat of an A rank punishment.

. . Holy fuck im actually in Naruto and this IS the third Hokage. Which meant that clearness was a Dojutsu which meant I was either an Uchiha or a Hyuga. Either one spoke ill of what would happen in my life time, because I was either one of the last of the clan, or I was a part of a pompous jackass clan. I think I yelled out what went through my mind cause all I heard was "FUCK!" and six people jumped in surprise, it was great. What was I thinking about? Oh right Naruto. Joy. I also had to contend with a possible paedophile who would want my body, and a guy who thought it was okay to indoctrinate children to the point that they would serve him and only him and do nothing else. Which was actually rather squicky if you thought about it because he could order them to do ANYTHING and they'd have no problem with it. I should stop thinking down that path because those are some gross dark thoughts to have about an old guy eww.

Anyways the Third ordered everyone but the ANBU out while I was having my little internal squickfest and turned and sat down in the seat next to my bed, looking real pensive about something. Maybe that means I AM an Uchiha and he's tryna break the news everyone's dead. That's a really bleak thought, I've got like no family in this world. Oh well from what I saw they were stuck up PRICKS so they can die in a hole. Poor kids though, I mean even if Danzo did use Kotoamatsukami on Itachi he should've spared the kids so it was probably Obito that did them in. I wonder if im Sasuke, or I guess in my situation, Sasu-KO because I can't feel shit between my legs. Hiruzen's stopped looking pensive, wonder what he's gonna say.

He sighed a world's on your shoulders sigh, before he turned and looked at me with what seemed to be remorse in his eyes, and he spoke rather softly too. "I know you must be confused about what happened and why you're in the hospital, Hisoka-chan"

Yeah fuck you, why couldn't you use san or something jerk, but I did as was smart and nodded, hurting my neck too in the process. He sighed again, before speaking in that soft but firm voice of his. "Well, your brother Itachi, he went mad and killed your family and your clan down to you and Sasuke-san"

PRICK why can I not get san as my honorific. Anyway I blinked and then, probably to the astonishment of all of them, I shrugged. "I can understand all of that mister" DEAR GOD my voice was so CHIRPY I found my inner male CRYING. "But why am I covered in bandages?"

I said in that oh so guilt inducing voice only kids can use. Judging from the way he coughed it was fault on their part. "Yes well, when we went in to see if there were any survivors, one of our more jumpy shinobi saw you wander out of your house, with such blank eyes, and little Sasuke on your shoulder, he must've over reacted and thought you were an enemy, as he encased you in an earth casing to the neck down after one of his team members grabbed Sasuke. I believe he thought you were Itachi, as unlike your younger brother of two minutes as you hold over him, you look more like your mother without the infamous bird bottom haircut"

He got me to snigger at that, the old codger's slippery I tell you, which is to be expected from the leader of the village but still. "So a dickhead encased me in earth and tried to take away my little brother then?" he twitched and I nearly smirked cause HAH, but thinking over it must've been root or something, combining for mangekyo's for the old war hawk.

Hiruzen and I talked back and forth for a while, before he told me that Sasuke would probably want to visit me soon, so with a great amount of apprehension I said words that would haunt me forever. Nah im joking about that but still Sasuke was a little shit back then, still kinda is later on in the manga too. Then he brought up how I had the Mangekyo Sharingan and I groaned and just answered with "only our lord and saviour fuck knows, but no one has ever found him but the great sage himself, and even then he cheated." I had to bite my cheek to not smile but Hiru-jiji actually considered that seriously for a second, then huffed and told me I should swear less. I gave him the stink eye pink eye that I now possessed (though with MUCH less chakra mind you, I may not have Naruto levels of chakra but I know that I have bloody HEAPS of yin chakra, which Is odd cause I only lived to about seventeen and a quarter but im not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway old man told me I'd be cleared in about half a week, and that I'd been unconscious for one whole week.

About a day and a half went by before I saw Sasuke. And dear god did he look like shit. Like I've had pretty off days but right now he takes the cake. Well since I was a 'responsible two minute older sibling™' I just told it to him straight. "You look like shit sausage" his lil black eyes widened in surprise before he snickered and asked "sausage is all you could come up with you silly clown?" that gave me pause before I LITERALLY shouted "I AM HISOKA, FEAR MY CLOWN POWERS OF DOOMY DOOM" which started everyone off giggling, even the ANBU, which was surprising cause I thought they were trained to be emotionless.

Anyway Sasuke asked if he could stay with me, and I was all like "but this is my bed get your own". He pouted and said a firm "No" that surprised me, so I decided to be a dick. I used a dramatic long winded sigh and then hit with the kicker. "Very well my immature younger brother, I guess I shall have to make an exception untoward thee." How the hell did this kid get so depressed? Maybe he had too long to think about what happened, which coupled with the Tsukiyomi probably didn't go too well with him. Eesh maybe that was it. I mean when he walked in he looked like he'd been crying like hell but still I got him to smile at least.

It took FOUR MORE BLOODY DAYS before I was cleared and by god they were so bloody long. I wasn't even allowed to read, which sucked like hell since all I could do was practice with the eyes of hax that can do whatever the plot demands. Maybe if im lucky I'll get the sharinnegann. That'd be pretty sweet actually. I really pray that im not one of those mary sues that everyone falls in love with, first off on the principle that I still identify as a dude for now and second off that it'd just be tedious as fuck to deal with. Wouldn't mind Naruto, Choji or Lee though those three are all right cause they'd treat anyone they're with right. Naruto because he's never had someone, Choji because he's that nice form what you see and Lee because it'd be un-youthful.

I heard Gai yell out "YOUTH" as he sped by on his hands past us, and I was impressed because goddamn he was fucking RIPPED! I just drooled. Eww. Anyway we were following Hiru-jiji when Naruto came flying into him. I have the right to deny that I squee'd. No one can prove anything and I'll take that to my grave. Anyway after that he just followed along, and I asked Hiru-jiji if I could keep him like he was a puppy. Old man tripped but he caught himself too quick for it to look like nothing more than a stumble. I still laughed before saying I was serious though. I think that fear actually flashed in his face. YES FEAR MY ARMY OF TINY CHILDREN that I probably won't gather for a long while because dealing with kids is difficult when they're little bags of shit. The academy is gonna be just a big ball of sunshine.

I think Hiruzen was gonna make the mistake of saying no, but he did a stupid thing and looked at my eyes' _puppy-eyes jutsu success_ ' he caved in seconds. Fear the puppy dog eyes of doom, where only your proficiency with it can save you. Naruto looked scared for a second but then I grabbed him and Sasuke in a hug, and in my most serious little girl voice, said "we're gonna prank the hell outta these villagers." They were both smiling after that, and even I'll admit I was grinning.

After about two weeks of recovery time, with Naruto bringing us books on the academy subjects (which were as easy as taking a piss, iffin you actually had a dick ((or at least easy to me anyways cause like +17 years of knowledge up in hurr)) we were finally cleared to go to the academy, but not without being shadowed by like two ANBU, which were rabbit and Hound, and I'll admit Yugao looked amazing, and I actually asked her what the secret to great hotness when I was older was. She choked a bit before stammering that she didn't know any secret. So she was naturally attractive, like Kurenai and Anko, or an older Hinata, Sakura or Ino. I had a lot to look forward to. Hopefully

Anyway once we arrived there and we were seated, me, fishcakes and sausage by the window in the fifth row, I decided I didn't like how people were looking at me like I was a porcelain doll. I was scowling for most of the day. Then kunoichi classes came up and I groaned again because I don't wanna do no flowery shit.

I learnt that those girls that bullied Sakura had really stale material in insults. I made them all cry with my level d insults. It was kinda pathetic. Then I saw them try to pick on Sakura, so I walked up and decked one in the mouth, I think it was that Ami chick. They all scrambled away, before I turned to Sakura and helped her up. I guess her and Ino weren't friends yet cause she was self-conscious as FUCK. But then I said I liked her pink hair, and that she shouldn't cry cause it makes her a thousand times uglier. She smiled at that. Ino walked up to us after that. They started a good friendship, which was nice, and Sakura got her red head band thing. I also said from now on I was gonna call her blossom, because she was smart and had pink hair.

Kunoichi classes were boring but useful (and kinda fun) my masculinity just died a little more)), the teacher was a Chunin by the name of Suzume, who taught us that we could brew a minor paralysing agent from this giant flower (by giant I mean the size of a child's head in length from the leaves itself) but for the life of me I can't remember the name, only that it was yellow. Flower pressing was boring and really stupid, but a good time waster, which was nice, and we learnt about disguises and how geisha could be ninja in disguise.

The bell rang, and we were herded back into class, when the teacher (who was definitely NOT Iruka) told us we were going to be doing taijutsu bouts. I smiled at that. Ten minutes later my smile turned into a scowl because I WASN'T ALLOWED TO FIGHT BOYS. It was BULLSHIT. Anyway most of the girls' fights were pathetic, with the only contenders being Sakura, Hinata, Ino, Me and that Ami girl. I literally only lightly threw one out of the ring and she started crying. So I got fed up and asked the teacher if I could fight with the boys. He said no. When I asked why he said "because I said so" so with an aggravated groan I sat back down by a tree on my lonesome. When my name was called I got up and found I was fighting Ami. Wouldn't be too difficult since a single deck was enough to make her run off. I nearly ate my words when she rebounded, but then knocked her out with a head-butt. I saw stars for two seconds before walking back to the tree. Sakura got a by. And Ino got beat by Hinata. Then Sakura got beaten by Hinata. I was actually really impressed, cause it was usually decided in four small strikes before the fight was over.

When it was finally my turn, I continually praised Hinata for such decisive fighting, before I activated my Sharingan (three tomoe cause mangekyo would be over kill) and got into the Uchiha interceptor style. She had her Byakugan activated (wonder if I could find a way to get her the tenseigan?) and was in the standard Jyuken, but was blushing heavily from the praise. The match was quick paced and neither of us were allowed a break, I had to duck and weave through strikes that only narrowly missed because of the Sharingan, and only managed to get a few good hits in edge wise. She had disabled part of my left hand, but I could still use it to parry her blows. She wasn't expecting kicks though as when I bent backwards to dodge a Jyuken palm strike, before kicking out and hitting her stomach. She dropped pretty quickly after that, as she was more focused on it then me.

After the fight was over I went to see if she was okay, and learnt something. I hit harder than the average Chunin because she was REALLY hurt. Like not blood from the mouth hurt but there would be a major bruise on her stomach tomorrow. I wouldn't stop apologising for hours, but she just grit her teeth, smiled a little and praised me for my fighting abilities in her shy little voice. I nearly cried at that point, and made a vow I would never go back on. "Hinata, I want you to listen to me okay? You will always be welcome in my home, and if you EVER need help all you need to do is ask!" This time I did cry. So did she. I'd made a lifelong friend that day without realising it.

By the time my first month in Konoha went by I realised that people REALLY didn't like Naruto, but even Chunin would lose heart when they saw the Sharingan. I helped Sasuke unlock one tomoe in each eye as well which was nice. Now all I needed was someone to teach me how to use it.

Anyway after my spar with Hinata I was invited to the Hyuga manor. Hiashi was PISSED but he was really good at hiding it away. And before I knew what happened I was set to spar with Neji. Well at least the man actually CARES for Hinata. Neji beat the shit outta me, but I decked him square in the balls so I say we're even. Even though im paralysed on over half my body HE was the one unconscious so HA I win.

Afterwards Hiashi asked me why I'd hurt Hinata so badly and I told him that I somehow had the strength of a low to mid-level Chunin, all because of an abundance of yin chakra throwing my body out of scale. He offered to teach me chakra control after school, and I brought Naruto and Sasuke every day. Sadly they didn't get to train and some of the Hyuga were tense around Naruto but no one started anything, no one even glared. He liked it there, and we started hanging out with Hinata more often.

Now I had seven minions, as apparently I was now friends with Sakura and Ino, and with Ino came Shika and Choji. I got along pretty well with Choji, even giving him ideas for recipes to tell his parents (I even gave them the idea for mince pies and PIZZA) which allowed me to make some money on the side, and unless I was excited about something Shika actually enjoyed my presence well enough.

One month and a week in Konoha and I upgraded my minion roster to Ten with Kiba, Shino and Torune. Kiba just sort of gravitated towards us, but when he tried to establish he was top dog I just smacked the back of his head. He dropped easily, not as easy as Ami but still pretty easy.

The Surprise came with Shino since it was more of a chance thing. I just stopped a Kikaichuu beetle from being crushed and he literally CLUNG to me whenever Torune wasn't there. Oh yeah I also stopped Danzo from sniffing up the Aburame by dropping a letter to Shibi. It was well written for my stubby hands and all it said was there was a creepy old man with a bandaged head watching Shino and Torune. He flew into a mother hen type flurry. And his rage was legendary. I could hear it from halfway across the village. It was something like "DANZO SHIMURA IF YOU TOUCH MY SON OR MY NEPHEW I WILL SHOVE KIKAICHUU SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'LL TURN INTO A NEW HIVE" I was really impressed, even asked Shino to high five his dad for me. Shibi cordially invited me and all my minions (and Torune cause he's more like a supervisor since he's the oldest) over to his house in thank you.

I like Shibi, and his wife is gorgeous, never did find out her name but that'll probably change later on as I come over more often. Anyway Shibi invited us to get to know his 'little Shino-kun's' friends. His eye brows shot up over his glasses when he saw we were all clan heirs except Sakura. Now we have Shibi helping us with shinobi training, which was rather nice of him since it meant Naruto could actually learn chakra control.

Because of Shibi I found out that I had about one third more chakra then him, which came as a great surprise cause DAYUM I didn't think I had that much. (In explanation, though an Aburame's Chakra levels aren't too high compared to everyone else, Shibi had almost as much chakra as Tsume Inuzuka, who mainly relied on chakra intensive attacks and so had one of the highest reserves in the village at the time, aside from Naruto and Hiru-jiji.) ((At least that makes sense to me cause Jiraya aint here))

It had been about three months since I woke up before I went to the Uchiha district, mainly cause I wanted to see if my other self had left stuff before I took over her body (still have to find a way to say sorry for that like jesus she must be pissed) and as I got there I started flashing back to when they were alive and well. It was irritating. Also it felt like I was constantly being watched aside from Yugao-san. It was creepy.

Anyway so I get to the Uchiha manor entrance (there's like fifty normal houses, twenty shops and im fairly certain the library is hidden with a seal) and this massive sense of foreboding shows up, and I think to myself 'maybe I shouldn't go in there' but then decided fuck self-preservation I'll use amaterasu if I have to damn it! And so I go inside and there's a note on the table. It's labelled as weasel. So Itachi left a note for someone to find (likely me or Sasuke).

After a couple minutes debating, I decided to just put it in my satchel bag thing (it's like a bag that hangs over your shoulders but I can't remember what it's called) before raiding the rest of the house for anything useful or valuable, found a shitload of scrolls, kunai, shuriken, a couple tanto in Itachi's room, and a REALLY ornate katana that sparkled with lightning chakra.

Three months and a half in Konoha and I did something stupid. Like so infantismally stupid that it could've gotten me killed. I used Tsukiyomi on Naruto during a spar. We both ended up in his mind and there we saw Kurama-Sama in all his glory. Naruto peed. And I flinched when his voice boomed. Apparently he was throwing out killing intent but I never noticed it.

Anyway so we meet him and I (like the idiot I am) spout off "greetings and salutations Kurama-sama" which kinda cut his tirade about how infinitely inferior we are to him. He glared at me and I was half tempted to use Tsukiyomi on him, but that'd be asking for trouble.

Anyway I think he was insulted but impressed, cause he had summoned up his 'face of the angry chicken™' and stared at us, before Naruto, being the genius he is, asked why the hell we were talking to the kyuubi. I really wanted to slap Naruto, but refrained and half explained the story of how he was a jinchuuriki. He asked me how I knew, I replied with the fact that I was an inter-dimensional traveller who died and was inserted onto this plain of existence as one Hisoka Uchiha. Even Kurama-san was wide eyed at that and I thought to myself 'HAH refuge in audacity for the win." Anyway we had three days but I was like nah I don't wanna wait that long, and before I left I asked Kurama to be nicer to Naruto. Then we woke up, the Hokage was there and he was PISSED. At me. And im now glad im immune to killing intent cause Naruto and Sasuke were nearly unconscious before he realised what he was doing.

We were taken to the Hokage's office, and he asked me what I saw, and I told him that I saw the Kyuubi-no-yoko inside a cage in Naruto's mind and the fact that I knew he was a Jinchuuriki. He asked me how I knew, I looked at Naruto, and Naruto told Hiruzen my story. He didn't buy it for a second. Guess my name is Cassandra cause it WAS the truth.

After that I was taken into the custody the of Torture and Interrogation department, a place for hardened war criminals and people with valuable information, on the grounds that I was a spy. And just my luck I got a one Mitarashi Anko as my interrogator. This was gonna be wonderfully fun wannit?

She looked bored, which was surprising cause I thought she'd be rather giggly to work on someone, and asked questions in a monotone voice, before asking if I had any questions before the interrogation. I asked for her secret to hotness cause if I grew up to look like her holy shit. She laughed her ass off at that, and replied with "training kid, lots and lots of training."

Then the interrogation started, and all I knew for the next eight hours was pain, before I passed out.

Hiruzen's pov:

Hiruzen was unsure what was more surprising, that she wasn't a spy? Or the fact that her story of traveling dimensions was true. Both put a heavy weight back on his conscious though, as it meant he just had a seven year old interrogated for telling the truth. Though learning that he was originally part of a manga series did put him off a little. Also that little Anko was going to get fat if she stopped training for a couple years. Whose bright idea was that?

All he could do now was hope that Hisoka woke up. And that she would accept his apologies.

Back to Hisoka now

I woke up in the hospital again, and again MY EYES BURNED LIKE HELLFIRE BECAUSE OF THE CURSED WHITE CEILING REFLECTIONS. I'd have to suggest to Hiru-jiji that they change the tiles to a grey colour or something.

Three and a half months and I was already interrogated. Surprised it didn't happen sooner but oh well it has now. The torture surprisingly wasn't too bad until right near the very end, and it all turned out to be genjutsu while I was under a truth poison or something of the sort.

I looked to my side and most of my minions were camped out asleep in the hospital room. Naruto and Sasuke were spooning, and I wish I had a camera. Then I remembered Sharingan, and activated it, forever cementing my blackmail material. The only ones that weren't here were Ino and Shino, which kinda surprised me, but their parents probably wanted to make sure I wasn't a spy yet.

A root agent tried to take me, Sasuke and Naruto. I burnt him to death with amaterasu. Now my eye's all splotchy like when you get that eye ball white stuff on your pupil and have to blink it away. The smell was horrendous, and when a nurse came in to check on us the smell nearly knocked her out. She threw up before running off, and about twenty minutes later Hiruzen was running into the room. I thought you were supposed to have a breakdown when you killed someone, but im just overjoyed he can't take any of my minions '' _you mean family and you know it''_ 'shut it'.

Hiruzen's got that contemplating look on his face, he and Danzo will probably be having talks later. After a bit the corpse and the smell were gone, and the minions were waking up. I asked hound to grab my satchel, as I hadn't read the letter from Itachi yet.

Itachi's letter:

Dear little brother and sister. You are probably wondering why I would send you a letter after what I have done. The reason I have done so is because if you wish to kill me, you will have to live in hatred to match up to me. When you have eyes like mine only then will you be able to kill me.

Signed Itachi.

Back to me:

That letter was rather stupid, but Sasuke took to it like a fish to water until I logic bombed him by asking why he was listening to the man that killed our family. He realised he was being duped, and I laughed at his expense for a bit.

After four months, an idea for a jutsu popped into my head, and I rushed to the hokage's office and asked Hiruzen if he knew the **Doton: Earth Spear Jutsu** , when he replied with the affirmative I asked him to teach me, and he said only if I could master two chakra control exercises.

The tree walking exercise and water walking exercise or the surface stick chakra control exercise if you want to get technical, which I had been learning the theory behind for a while because of Shibi-sama (he also inducted me, Naruto and Sasuke as unofficial members of the Aburame clan which was COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME) but probably some kind of political thing when I think about it. Hope it's not marriage cause Shino is more my adorable evil minion and Torune is kind of a stiff neck, not to mention his Kikaichuu would probably destroy my body)) and in practice the tree walking part was surprisingly easy and I managed to get it to the point where I can balance a kunai on my finger after about three weeks of doing it (can't lose concentration or it falls though) but water walking was a BITCH.

I had to micro manage every step to regulate the chakra volume correctly, which was irritating, in fact by the time I managed to get it down where I wasn't wobbly the entire month was up, so it was back to the academy for me. But Hiru-jiji is a man of his word and showed me a scroll for it, but I was only allowed to practice it if hound or rabbit were nearby. I wouldn't finish it for another two and a half months, and I'd usually pass out after three attempted activations but soon I would find a way to refine it from an a rank defence to an S RANK DEFENCE MWAHAHA. And then I'd try to turn it into carbon so I'd have greed's ultimate shield. That'd be awesome cause diamond skin dude. Then I'd teach it to Naruto.

During those two months, I'd managed to coax Hinata out of her shell a bit more and more. She wasn't an adorable wall flower anymore, more just a silent girl who'd kick your ass if you tried to hurt her. I also met some of Naruto's bullies, and broke the head bully's nose. He stopped going after anyone in my class for fear that he would incur my fists again. It was hilarious.

ALSO during those two months we got a new teacher named (dananana!) Iruka Umino, recently promoted Chunin.

I was both happy and angry cause while he kept his rage hidden he kept glaring at Naruto. It was irritating cause im supposed to like this guy for being NICE to Naruto not a dickhead to him like jesus. Oh well give him time I guess and he'll eventually come around.

I also learnt during those two months that I can focus the great fire ball jutsu into a small, white hot ball if I focus enough, which is AWESOME but it burns my lips when I use it so IMPRACTIAL as well, which really sucks cause it'd be helpful if I went up against someone like Gaara or Haku, then I could use it to try and break their defences. Experiments for later then.

The Earth Spear is an amazing jutsu to use, not only does it allow a defensive body armor, it also allows you to be more in tune with the latent chakra in the earth, letting it come to you more naturally. Meaning I learnt **Doton: Earth Wall** by complete accident (I was trying to make that dome jutsu that Jirobo of the Sound six ((because there ARE six members counting Sakon and Ukon as two plus Kimimaro)) uses to sap chakra at the time) and also created Edward Elric's multiple hand fist attack from the final battle (you know the one).

Then I passed out from Chakra exhaustion. I had also apparently made an A rank jutsu by accident. Which was cool. Doesn't change that I was unconscious for two days. Sasuke and Naruto are worried it's gonna become a thing where I'll keep ending up in the hospital. They're probably right too. Anyway I needed a name for that jutsu. I wonder if Ashura's will is a jutsu yet (I wanted to name it one thousand fist of the divine but Hashirama beat me to that ((prick)) when he was facing Madara with his whole sage mode statue thing)

Well after five months it's finally set in that Konoha is real, and that I likely died in my home world. But I don't really mind. I've got the magical eyes of doing whatever the plot demands at the time, ten minions of doom, I'm named after a psycho clown from hunter x hunter, and I have super powers. This world is a crap sack world indeed, but it's also crap saccharine when you look at it.

My name is now Uchiha Hisoka, it used to be Hayden ********, and this whole world will know my name by the time I'm done with it. This I swear

|Omake: What if Hisoka was reborn in Full Metal Alchemist instead of Naruto?

Father watched, as all his plans crumbled because of one sacrifice he forgot to account for somehow offering both lust and greed something they wanted, in exchange for working for her against him. And the sad fact is that it worked. She made both the Elric brothers stronger somehow and also managed to seal off the tunnels that sloth was hard at work creating. When pride tried to confront her directly she just turned off the lights and continually broke his body down into nothing. NOTHING WAS LEFT TO SALVAGE. The promised day had crumbled, and she had somehow summoned truth to reclaim him. And as he faded back into the imp in the flask, he decided to give her a parting gift.

Two years and Many Shenanigans later.

Hisoka sat back, watching the two idiot brothers squabbling, and wondered how she would tell them that she was now a Homunculus because of father's machinations. But as she watched them, so happy at finally having their bodies back, because of her efforts. She realised that maybe it didn't matter too much. After all ling still had greed, and lust was somewhere with havoc. She was sad that she couldn't save Maes, but that was okay as he was seen as a hero. She made sure of it. So gathering her courage, she got up and called out to them.

Three years later

It took some doing, but she finally managed to hook up Ling and Lan Fan. Happiness was abundant that day, and though he had to take many brides by law, Lan would be his first, and would keep the others in line. Hisoka wondered how the others were, as she hadn't seen them since she told them she was a homunculus. They took it well enough but she went wandering. Now she was back where it all began (((I forgot the name of the FUCKING TOWN))) and was rather nostalgic. Then a yellow blur collided with her legs and she bit back about fifteen curses. It was Edward and Winry's kid. He was adorable. She looked up and they were both running to catch up with him. She smiled, and before she knew it Alphonse and Mei were there too. And then it was just one big hug. And she realised, that she was finally home.

End

Authors note:

Hi there, this will probably be my first published story and holy crap I couldn't stop writing. I get this is probably small compared to YAWALH or This Bites but it's still pretty impressive when my previous best was three thousand one hundred and thirty nine words. Anyway I haven't planned this story out shit for tit, it'll probably be stuck with an M rating or a T depending, but either way Pairings won't be happening till Shippuden except for some light fluff between Characters. I will spoil one potential outcome, Hisoka will slowly develop a crush on our favourite fishcake. But it'll probably be a whim that decides if that becomes a thing. I don't have a set writing style and im not that good so don't expect too much of me. I will be working on two other stories as well as this, but I'll try to update it every two weeks at least. But since this story has taken me it'll probably be closer to one and a half per update. When my other stories are posted if you could give them a read that'd be wonderful, if you dislike it then please just tell me why instead of bashing cause I really don't care of your opinion and to all who enjoyed this thank you so much. I feed off of reviews so please give me feedback on where I can improve and if someone could make potential names if I come up with a jutsu but don't name it that'd be wonderful. Love you bye.

This is HerpiousDerpious signing off.


	2. Chapter 2: Learning Geppo with Gai

Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Chapter 2. Training with Gai and trying to create geppo.

Well if you're reading this then you either thought "eh why not" or you typed in the fan-fiction code by mistake. Either way hello there and welcome to chapter two of this horrible cliché storm of a story. Im your host nameless guy and we're gonna watch our favourite morons and new main character (I guess) fuck everything up in horrible ways. Alternate title for this chapter. Prank TV, Konoha style.

I'd managed to rope Naruto into helping me with an idea I'd had when I was remembering prank tv, and we'd decided to use henge for a, err, rather sadistic prank involving Naruto as a psycho clown. The watermelon part was great, and we got Sasuke to help with one of the pranks by pretending that he was a victim (that genjutsu was hard as FUCK to pull off, seems that genjutsu that make limbs vanish without hurting the person are iffy) who'd gotten most of his limbs removed. The civilians were perfect targets (mainly cause ninja would likely kill Naruto or something) and we'd gotten like twenty people before we were told to stop. Im glad I have the Sharingan because those memories were fucking PRICELESS. Naruto felt bad afterwards, so I had to explain to him that aside from a healthy dose of fear they'd probably be fine, just rattled for a few days. He still wasn't convinced but eh. (He'll be fine)

My training with the **Earth Spear** was going well. If I managed to activate it on the first try I could use it for about two minutes before passing out from chakra exhaustion. I may have large reserves but I don't have shit worth of chakra control to help me along.

Shibi-sama is only having me go through theory before I attempt the surface sticking exercise, and im not allowed to practice it without supervision from someone who ISN'T ANBU. Which sucks cause that's like, forty percent of the adults that I know. (We're watched by like four ANBU, and there's Suzume sensei, that nurse, the doctor guy, Hiru-jiji, Teuchi, and Gai) oh and I convinced Hiru-jiji to get Gai to help me with my more risky ideas (say what you want that man's a genius)

Anyways life in the academy is boring as fuck, and I'll admit, kunoichi classes can be pretty fucking boring (still getting used to being a girl) I CANT PEE STANDING UP DAMN IT)) so I mainly just learn people's tells for when they're lying or hiding something, which is fun.

Though I managed to get the teacher that wasn't Suzume to let boys and girls spar against each other (beat Kiba, then Shino, then Sausage, then Naruto got me cause I was fucking exhausted like damn, kids a stamina freak) and I'll admit that was pretty fun. Im enjoying beating up small children. Does that make me a bad person? Probably.

Sixth month, third week in Naruto, and I decided to see if I can replicate the Rokushiki fighting style from one piece by asking Gai for assistance. Once I explained the fundamentals of one of the techniques like **soru** or **geppo** Gai took to them like a fish to water.

He figured that **soru** (he found it funny that it was called shave) was just a much faster version of the **Shunshin** technique but one that still allowed you to see ahead and to the sides instead of giving you tunnel vision. (by the time im writing this he has it down pat completely, it only took him a week to figure out the fundamentals of it) I GOT PAID FOR MAKING THE TECHNIQUE TOO))

 **Geppo** was a much more interesting experience. Apparently it was something he'd wanted to do since he was younger, but he didn't know if it would work. When I told him about Rokushiki he actually jumped for joy in learning that someone had succeeded. He also said that if it was just ten kicks on the ground a second it should be easy. I can safely say that I most definitely didn't piss myself. (Still hasn't gotten it down correctly, but it hasn't been long since I told him of it, and he is getting air it's just the friction part is hard)

M6, W4:

I learnt from Sasuke that Itachi didn't put him under the Tsukiyomi (probably explains why he aint crazy or depressed completely) but actually put the old Hisoka under it before I took over. Apparently she put on her best Hyuga impression because her eyes went completely blank, like rolled into the back of her head blank. The mental image is disturbing, and so is the fact that Itachi wanted ME of all people to commit his murder suicide thing. He can fuck right off for all I care.

Also we moved on from chakra control theory and moved on to the practicals off it, with Hiashi sama teaching me the leaf sticking exercise, and Shibi sama teaching me the surface walking exercise. Leaf sticking was annoying, surface sticking was pretty easy on a tree, cause I just moulded my chakra to it.

M7, W1:

Gai has finished **soru** and I swear I felt the whole world shake in fear. His bingo book rank (I stole the book from one of the ANBU, they probably know I have it) went from middle A rank to low S ranking, and he was giving another moniker aside from green beast of Konoha. The prowling cheetah. I was impressed because **soru** was just a supplement technique, what would he become with the rest of the Rokushiki style? I mean just picture him with the **Shigan** let alone **Rokuogun** or the **Rokuogun: sandairan**? That is a terrifying image. There's also a little footnote "Gai did not create the technique he uses, be on the lookout for the one he did, it was someone he knows." So I may get stalker ninja groupies if word gets out that it was me.

Also after three weeks of practice, I managed to get the surface sticking exercise to sub-conscious levels. Also my chakra pool just keeps getting bigger, because according to Hiru-jiji if my chakra keeps growing like it is, by the time I hit fifteen I'll have almost as much chakra as Shukaku (which is quite a fucking lot) or maybe even Matatabi (which is quite a fuckload more). He also said that he may have to get Jiraiya here to have a look into gravity or weight seals, which is actually pretty neat.

Im gonna teach Gai how to use **Shigan** next week, in exchange for supervision so I can hone my chakra control AND **Earth Spear**. Can't wait.

M7: W3.

Teaching Gai the Shigan was both a horrible and wonderful idea. He's boasting on how he has a better version of Kakashi's **Raikiri** technique, and how it only costs a smidgen of chakra. And like the wonderful but absent minded kinda guy that he is, he blabbed that I was the one who taught him it. So now I have a shitload of ninja from lowly genin to high jonin beating down my door to learn it, and other powerful but cost efficient techniques I know. I had to be escorted to the academy by three ANBU just to get rid of them so I could go to school.

On the plus side Gai's insights with chakra control allowed me to increase my efficiency with **Earth Spear**. Parts of my arms are even going black when I focus more chakra to them during the technique. I also managed to increase my time from two minutes to three and a half. Not much but it's progress, which is all im going for right now. It also proves that I can make the ultimate shield, which is AMAZING.

OH and by the way Gai went from Low S to middle S rank in the span of three weeks, in Taijutsu the only person said to match him would be the third Raikage or Tsunade when she's not drunk out of her gourd on sake. Which is pretty damn impressive. Unfortunately it also means he's out of the village more on assassination missions as well as "bunker busting" between anyone who tries to establish a foot hold in fire country.

Lots of people in class seem to be jealous of the fact that I know "awesome ninja tricks" as they called it, which is pretty fucking funny. So im gonna be an arrogant, haughty little shit (is that redundant? Probably), stick my nose up at them, and be all "of course I do, I'm an all-powerful Uchiha". Sasuke seethed when I did, cause I'd finally managed to beat him out of the whole "all Uchiha are superior" after Naruto managed to beat him in a curb stomp battle, which was actually impressive cause usually Sasuke won or they finished in ties.

I'd also gotten Gai to teach me how to 'use' the Rokushiki that I 'taught' him, as while I knew how they worked ( **Shigan** , **Soru** and **geppo** all involve massive outputs of force causing friction in the air, which manipulates the wind around it. With chakra it's child's play to pull off actually) I couldn't actually use them unless I knew how to put them into practice. **Shigan** was surprisingly easy, and **Soru** was easy enough to learn, but even though he'd finally gotten it down **Geppo** was a BITCH to learn, and your feet always ended up stinging afterwards. Not to mention it's like pouring molten metal inside your legs and hoping to become the type-1000 terminator in the process.

M8: W3:

I'd taught Gai how to use **Rankyaku** , **Kami-e, life return** and **Tekkai** then told him to unlock the last technique of the Rokushiki, he needed to master all of them, then combine them into one attack. He loved life return, and turned into a pig whenever he ate now. Then he'd stand up, put his hands to his sides folded into fists, and breathe. Suddenly he's got a fucking EIGHT PACK instead of a flabby belly. Now im being hounded by kunoichi after the technique so they can keep their figure but eat more than NINE FUCKING MEALS a day. And people call ME a glutton.

I was also approached by Akimichi Chouza, who wanted to know how I'd learnt one of the Akimichi clan's techniques. I told him I hadn't and that it was a technique from the Rokushiki style. Which he and everyone else hadn't heard of before, which meant when I was questioned I had an out by saying it was mainly used by assassins, and that I'd found a scroll about it in the wreckage of the Uchiha clan, used my Sharingan to memorize it, then burnt it. Everyone bought it.

Intermission until next segment.

Sasuke and my birthday came and went, but I can't for the life of me remember what month and day it was (((seriously I don't remember this when is it?))) anyway Sasuke got a little black kunai pouch he strapped to his leg, along with other things. The only really noteworthy thing I got (in my own opinion of course) was an orange and black frog from Naruto. I hugged him, then offered to use my birthday money to buy Ichiraku ramen, kid went fucking nuts. I prayed for my wallet.

M9: W1:

Hiru-jiji asked me to teach some selected ninja how to use the Rokushiki style, and the second he brought up how much I'd be paid (I'd get the equivalent of a B-Rank mission's pay ((which was about 150,000 Ryo)) for every successful student who learned at least three) I'd jumped on board. I did say I'd need Gai for assistance.

When I arrived where I was gonna be teaching, all the ninja there were high chunin to mid jonin, I also noticed that Kakashi wasn't here and couldn't figure out if he'd be coming and was just late, or was insulted and wasn't coming.

I was also told by three separate people (among which was Kurenai) to go home. When I said I was their teacher in Rokushiki, two paled while almost everyone laughed. Then I was approached by Anko, and had my head patted. I absolutely deny that I leaned in SHUT UP. Anyway I told them that while we were waiting for Gai I'd find out what they wanted to learn.

After explaining each, Asuma was the leader of the group who wanted to learn **Rankyaku** and **Tekkai** , Anko was for **Shigan** and **life return** , and Kurenai was there for **geppo** and **kami-e**. for some reason no one wanted to learn **soru** , and when I queried they said they already had the **Shunshin** , I slapped an idiot when they said that, as from what Gai had told me (and from what I'd experienced) **soru** was a hell of a lot faster, and you didn't need a Sharingan to see with it. After learning about the no tunnel vision thing EVERYONE was clamouring for it.

Once Gai arrived, my inner sadist came out, as I explained how since EVERYONE wanted to learn **Soru** , you needed to kick off the ground at least five times a second. (Took me two weeks to get to that point, and I STILL get phantom pains in my legs just thinking about it.) Some of them laughed, then they tried it, and more often than not stomped their feet. Some of them ripped open their legs. It was funny.

Anko and I became friends I'd like to believe, and we were all having fun at everyone else's pain (she was the first one to finish soru, so I was nice and let her have a break. No one's gotten close to finishing it yet) and we'd both laugh whenever someone managed to get part of soru, only to slam into a wall. It was awesome. I was only half listening to what she said, until the whole "with these techniques under my belt, maybe I'll get from Toku-jonin to full jonin!" and I hoped she did, and said to her that if she did, I wanted her to be my jonin sensei. She cackled maniacally before readily agreeing. I hope I didn't make a butterfly go by.

After giving Anko a bit of a break, I started her up on **Rankyaku** , and she bleated on how she wanted to learn **Shigan**. Maybe I should give it a neat tag name. That's a good idea. Something like " **Path of the six powers: Shigan."** I asked Anko if it sounded cool, or at least worked, and she seemed unsure. Maybe I can figure one out some other time. (((you guys give me ideas if you want, that'd be great.)))

We stopped by the time it was night, and everyone went home grousing on how an academy student utilized a technique they can't even learn. I was laughing at them. A lot. Anyway as I was packing up, guess who would come by but one Shimura Danzo. I could FEEL my skin crawl around the fucker. But he didn't have his perpetual grimace, or even a smirk. For once he had a warm (for him at least) smile on his face. Then he started preaching about how these techniques would put Konoha leagues above the rest of the Ninja villages, before asking if he could get some people to learn the techniques. I was shifty on that, but replied that if they were loyal to Konoha, had the aptitude and were Konoha shinobi, then they could come to the Dojo tomorrow to learn with everyone else, then kept my eyes away from his (I know you have Shisui-nee's Sharingan in there. Wait -nee? The fuck brain.) cause I sure as hell didn't want him to use **Kotoamatsukami** on me, I aint no one's puppet. He preached for about fifteen minutes, I locked up, put everything away, even cleaned the tatami mats of blood, and then we went our separate ways. And then I SCURRIED right fucking home, who knows how many people he had tailing me.

M9: W4:

I was in the middle of my (favourite sadist show) teachings, when someone whipped out a bingo book. I was listed in the international book at a D borderline C rank just because I knew Rokushiki. Or as the book put it, CREATED it. Which isn't far from the truth but still. And the 'best part' was that it was a capture on sight, with a fifty thousand bounty (which is actually pretty impressive cause im only seven man) for incentive. I was sweating bullets. One of the nicer parts was that I even had my own little epitaph. Hisoka Uchiha, the Jester's understudy. I liked it. I should have a half tragedy half comedy mask commissioned.

I also blame this on Danzo. His agents that were here are good studies though, even if he was gonna get them to teach the rest of ROOT. They were really polite though, and very studious. Everyone else is on edge around them though, which is funny.

Oh a little side note, Hiru-jiji has been sitting in on the lessons, and I think he wanted to learn some of them, but he expressed great interest in **Tekkai** , which is pretty neat. I just got a mental image of him using it and all of his wrinkles disappeared.

M10: W3:

I got called out for using **Tekkai** in a spar against an older Inuzuka. Which was bullshit cause that motherfucker has claws. But when he hit me he broke his hand from how much force he was using colliding with what to him must've felt like iron. And even when I explained it, I was still in the wrong. So I told the teacher he could stick his head up his arse and FUCK OFF, and got detention for it. Which is fine. What isn't fine is that the boys of my minion squad (except Shino and Torune, because they're good boys) got detention as well. After some 'choice words' ( I called them fucking morons dumber than a down syndrome child, which was probably a horrible thing to say but I was too mad to care at the time) they all looked put out that I was mad at them. But after that I hugged each of them and called them sweet hearts for joining me. Their blushes will forever be blackmail material. I love the Sharingan.

M10: W5:

Gai finished the **Rokuogun**. Like actually finished it, and MASTERED IT in only two months. He shouldn't have mastered ANY of the except for **Soru** for fucking YEARS (maybe two or three I don't know but it'd have been a while) And even then he should've only mastered it to ten kicks. But no he's apparently mastered all of Rokushiki. Until I told him about **Rokushiki: Rokuogun: sandairan** , and explained how he'd need to make his body (or at least his hands) bigger. Maybe with a combination of **Tekkai** and **Life return**. He jumped at the challenge, proclaiming his YOUTH to the world (god that feels dirty to write, no wonder I never write what Gai says) and then soru'd off somewhere. I felt the world tremble in fear again. Maybe I should be worried.

M12 W2:

Sorry for not writing again for a while, some stuff came up.

Anyways so for some reason my Bingo went from High D low C straight up to High C. I'm only eight and im already considered as strong as Elite genin or guys like the demon brothers. Gai's rank hasn't moved but his bounty went up from 20,000,000 ryo to 32,000,000. Which is pretty impressive I've gotta say.

Anyway my chakra control has gotten much better, and I can focus the **Goukyaku** Jutsu to be blue instead of orange (can't get it to be white hot yet, gotta keep training) and activate Earth spear on my body as well as supplement it with **Tekkai** or **Soru** which is awesome. My time for being encrusted with **Earth Spear** has gone from three and a half minutes to five minutes and fifty two seconds approximately.

Life at the academy is getting dull, and I've burnt through most of this years material. But our teacher is a prick who says I have to move on with everyone else. Then he mentioned a gold piece of information. Once this year was over our new teacher would be a recently promoted Chunin named Umino Iruka.

The new classes wont start until march though, so I have three months to whip my students (ha, an eight year old teaching grownups is still a sore point) into shape so they do not bring dishonour upon my teachings.

M12: W4:

I was approached by Kakashi, who wanted to learn the six powers but didn't want to embarrass himself in front of a class room of his team mates and allies. I said I would teach him but only if he read a long list of the old spice commercial (not that he knows that)he also doesn't know I snuck some into his pocket for the prank)) and he actually agreed to do it. Naturally I told the whole village about it, and he had to do it in the central plaza (that area right in front of the gates to the hokage mansion) so im just waiting for him to start.

Kakashi's pov:

If it weren't for Obito I'd likely kill the little brat. Now instructions say use a deadpan but warm voice, if you have something to say to someone who pipes up do it as the old spice guy and there is a bottle of old spice in your kunai pouch. It is also best to henge into nothing but a towel to show off your body. I can do this. At least I hope I can.

I clear my throat, fight back the blush (this is embarrassing) and put on my best "suave voice" while activating henge, and I watched three people drop.

"Hello ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back to your man, back to me. Sadly he is not me, but he could be if he used old spice" I whipped out the body wash. 'Im just glad guy isn't here' "look down, back up, where are we? We're on a boat in the middle of the ocean, sailing to the place of your dreams, where you shall be given gifts proclaiming your fairness to the world. Look up, back down, where are we? On a beach, where am i? Im on a horse" half the crowd had dropped, and I swear I could hear the brat laughing in the back. Then I dropped the henge and walked off, musing that the whole thing was actually pretty funny.

Hisoka's Pov:

The fact that he actually used genjutsu to sell the rest of it was amazing, and he never changed his voice the whole time. That was WONDERFUL. Also Anko owes me two thousand ryo. Now how would I get Gai to do Terry Crew's part? Questions for later. Maybe I should get a medic, cause those nosebleeds some of the ladies (and dudes) have are looking pretty serious.

M12: W5:

Okay so apparently some dignitaries from other countries were visiting Konoha the day I got Kakashi to do the old spice commercial. They were very pleased with what they saw, and have promised to pipe all of their missions to Konoha, as well as help fund us. I got paid again. My bank GROWS. SOON IT SHALL EAT ALL OTHER BANK ACCOUNTS. No seriously I've got like over a million ryo in there. It's great.

Not much has happened over the past week, but Danzo did approach me again. I thought he would dislike me, but he actually seems to have some respect for me. Also he smells like old spice, so im guessing he appreciated the ad I did with Kakashi. Anyways he asked me if I wanted some scrolls that pertained to genjutsu, chakra control, and some low level ninjutsu. And I asked what the catch was. He said it was a gift because of me teaching Konoha the style of Rokushiki (im sure it's about his agents) and he said that the two people he sent to my classes called me an excellent teacher (which is rather nice to hear actually as most of the students are moaning pricks. Anko's a good one though.)

The scrolls are actually rather simple just **Demonic Illusion: Tree Shibari, Hell viewing** and this other one pertaining to the Sharingan with the title **Silence** and it was meant to be familiar but different. Im hoping it's a genjutsu that makes silent hill type things happen.

I got one scroll for each elemental affinity, but I mainly just kept the ones for earth and fire. Maybe I can teach Naruto the wind and water jutsu.

The rest of the ninjutsu scrolls were just supplements like rope escape.

That is all

End

Sorry about the shorter chapter but I got BORED writing this one. If you guys would like to help me make this even more cliché be sure to send in ideas for jutsu that can easily become overpowered, and allow my shitty mary sue character to grow in shittyness.

Please review me if you can help me with the rating situation, or my writing situations. Just point out what I could do better and I'll try to rectify my mistakes.

No omake this time sorry.


	3. Chapter 3: Kumogakure times

Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan

Chapter three, Kidnapped by Missing Nins.

Welcome back, if you're reading this then I've done something right and you've enjoyed the first two chapters of this shitty thing. Thank you for slogging through it. Not much to say here except im gonna try and shift this to be less crack more cracky elements with serious plot points in there. Have fun reading I guess. Also I still can't believe this shit has over a hundred views.

Y2, M3, W3.

I was taken about a week ago. It is cold here. Im guessing we're in the land of frost, or cloud. We could be in the country of snow for all I know. Im only taken out of a bag to be fed small meals, and they've kept a blindfold on me. Im currently under watch by three of them, and they seem to be at least seasoned chunin. So no eye ninjutsu or **Soru** to escape. I doubt im that valuable aside from the Sharingan, and knowledge of **Rokushiki** but I guess even those small things are enough. I miss my minions. Naruto would say something silly, and then Sasuke would shoot him down and it'd make me feel better. I have to go now.

Y2, M4, W1.

They took me to Kumogakure hoping to sell me off to the Raikage. I don't know if they were successful, as I was taken to a medical area to treat anything I had wrong. Apparently I have a mild to mid case of hypothermia. Kumo seems nice, if a little too stiff necked. And the people aren't too bad. I'm being watched by Yugito Nii right now. She's only about twelve or thirteen right now I think. Either way she's tiny. But she's nice to me, and gave me some soup. It was nice soup.

It's been two days, and I watched those missing nins who grabbed me (I don't even know their names, and they're completely bald) leave the village gates. I cast **Amaterasu** on them both, they can fuck right off for all I care. My eye went all fuzzy again, and now it's got a small film on it that I have to blink away with the blood. The nurse freaked out when my eye bled, the gate guards freaked out when those two spontaneously combusted. I say serves the two right for kidnapping me.

After another day of waiting, I was bought to what I assume to be the Raikage manor. I saw that Mabui lady (she has HUGE FUCKING TITS MAN) and after about thirty minutes of reading this magazine (that was likely a thinly veiled propaganda thing cause all it showed was how great it was to be a kunoichi) I was brought before the big man himself. And surprisingly enough it was actually Ai-sama and not his father. He was gruff and aggressive. And I was loud and aggressive. Naturally we got along greatly. But in all seriousness he was actually a rather nice guy. Though the one part that annoyed me was that he said he couldn't send me back without striking an international incident, and that at the next kage summit (in half a FUCKING YEAR) well five months actually BUT STILL)) he would discuss the terms of my turn over to Konoha.

Naturally I was pissed. But on the plus side he was gonna have me train with Killer B and Yugito. Which was rather nice. He also handed me some chakra paper. I think he thought I was a genin or a chunin cause of the bingo book, and that the whole academy student thing was a cover story. But I aint gonna say no.

B is a real sweetheart. Before we got to training he got me some dango and Yugito some sushi (heh, lil kitty likes fish) and after we'd eaten, then walked to the training field he guided me through this chakra exercise all jinchuuriki in Kumo learn to regulate their chakra so their tailed beast doesn't take over. He didn't say that but it was easy as hell to put together, and rather easy to learn as well.

After that he got me to test my affinity. I got earth and fire, with Earth being the primary. Not much of a surprise there, especially because of the **Earth Spear** but I kinda hoped I'd get water (as I was a Scorpio in the previous life.) Anyway after that he had me spar with Yugito. Which was fun, but a horrible idea. I nearly put her in the hospital with a low powered **Tsukiyomi**. I felt bad after that, and B was freaking out, and only just seemed to realise I was an Uchiha.

After that little debacle, Ai-sama decided that I wasn't allowed to use the Sharingan while I was in Kumo. But for some reason he still had me train with B, im not even sure why considering he'd be a high priority target.

Y2: M4: W3.

After Yugito got out of the hospital, she cuffed me over the head, then said that Matatabi would like to meet me again at some point. I'm pretty sure I had a light blush on my face cause that's high praise from a bijuu.

As for training, they had me practicing **Doton: Doryuheki** (Earth Style Wall) until the jutsu sequence became second nature to me. It's said that it will take about five weeks to get to that point, and that I couldn't slack with any other earth jutsu I knew, else that'd be wack. I can't believe that I writ that, it's like another Gai that isn't Lee except he likes to rap.

I also learnt how to do the surface sticking exercise while under fire from enemies. In this case B and Yugito pelted me with blunt kunai and shuriken until I could either block or dodge all of them. Then they had me do it with **Earth Spear** activated. They had a field day when they learnt I could do it, as out of the two of them only B had any A or S rank jutsu. Also my chakra control Skyrocketed during training with the two of them. Maybe I could find a way to cement an alliance between Kumo and Konoha. The training for Naruto would be invaluable.

Sometime between training sessions, B managed to get a hold of a quartet of minions for me to manipulate (actually he got them to chuck more kunai and rocks but still, my powers of persuasion haven't failed yet, I have Samui on my side and I'm hoping to convince the rest to join my minions) and who would it be but Karui, Oimoi, Atsui and Samui. Me and Samui actually got along rather quick despite the fact that they're a year or two older than me (I think), which was nice cause I didn't think I'd make any friends here. Oimoi is like a more paranoid Naruto, and Samui reminds me of a girl version of Sasuke. I started crying when I realised that. They got all worried before I explained it. I got hugs for my trouble. They're all sweethearts I swear.

Y2: M5: W2.

Ai-sama offered to let me live in Kumo. I was actually rather surprised. And if not for the fact that I had my other minions to get back to, I'd probably have said yes. I like it in Kumo, and it doesn't get too hot during the day (cold as fuck at night though) and the people are actually rather nice. I hope Naruto is okay without me to keep the villagers away from him.

The offer came out of the blue though, and I told him that while it was nice I couldn't just ditch my minions. He laughed at the nickname I had for my little family I'd made, and he understood. Didn't even try to convince me. So I pitched an idea to him, that maybe there could be an alliance between Kumo and Konoha, and maybe some reparations for the Hyuga incident, and the kidnapping of me (even if that was done by two dead missing nins) he's onto the fact that I killed them)) in the form of training exercises that could be learnt from the academy that Kumo had, and maybe assisting in the current land grab that Konoha was going through with Iwa (the one where Gai's been bunker busting). He was seriously considering it I think, and as I left he told me he had a lot to think about tonight.

I also managed to master the lower chakra variant of **Doryuheki**. Which is nice.

Y2: M5: W4

From what I can tell, Konoha knows that im missing, but can't tell where I am. Which is fine cause it could spark a war, but is still kinda annoying. It also makes me feel bad for my minions, they must be worried sick about me. Hopefully.

Anyway, Konoha has been sending feelers out trying to find me, one came into the village and looked around before I got tackled into an alleyway. Kinda forgot I was still a political prisoner cause they all treated me so nicely. Glad im not in Iwa, I'd probably get smacked over and called Konoha scum. Then I'd smack them over and get locked up or something. I've pretty much been confined to B's house. It was messy at first, mainly with his Enka notes, which were hilarious, but bloody terrible. So I helped him file them all, so we could actually get to the stove. I think B runs on a diet of takeout, cause this thing is all dusty.

During the week, Yugito would visit B's place, and they'd play shogi. I always beat B, but Yugito always beat me. Which was fine, because she was surprisingly smart for a thirteen year old. Yugito was also a neat freak for some reason, because she'd clean EVERYTHING, even my clothes pile. Yes im kind of a slob leave me alone. I also learnt that if you scratch her head she actually starts to purr. It is adorable. I will admit that I squee'd SHUT UP.

Also I may have multiple personality disorder, some times when I think I'll get an answer. It's creepy because it's my voice but not 'My' voice. Help.

Y2: M7: W1

Yugito decided to tell me about B's status as a jinchuuriki. Which was a surprise to me, because I thought he was gonna fuck up and tell me himself. I was REALLY confused by her actions, until she explained she didn't want me to leave. It was actually really sweet. And it was difficult as hell telling her I had to go back to my other minions. When it finally got through her head that I couldn't (from my perspective) stay, she ran off to the Raikage manor. I heard shouting about peace agreements, and visitation rights. She's probably one of my best friends ever. No one but the minions have wanted my presence so much, so as to threaten the village head into a peace agreement. I cried for about ten minutes after that.

I wish I could take her back to Konoha with me, Naruto would love someone who was like him. And I wouldn't have to not see her again. Maybe she could be part of the negotiations?

Y2: M7: W4:

Ai-san (he got annoyed with me constantly calling him –Sama) told me that he's set up a meeting for the kage summit (only three will be there. Iwa doesn't want to attend and Kiri is too busy with their civil war) to be in about one month and two weeks. So I have to either convince him to let me keep Yugito, or have Yugito find a way to leave and join Konoha. I don't know if she will though, she's pretty loyal to this village.

I also realised I forgot my birthday, but I didn't want to impose so I didn't tell anyone.

I also asked Ai-san for some money, so I could get my friends some gifts before I left.

Y2: M7: W5.

I had no idea what to get anyone. Except for Oimoi. I just bought him a jar full of lollipops. He smiled, and then prattled that he knew I wasn't gonna poison him, so he had no reason to be paranoid. I choked at that, because being paranoid is his whole thing.

I decided to get Yugito some weights off this guy who im reasonably certain was Jiraiya. The reason I say that is because he was too focused looking out the window with binoculars in the direction of the natural springs (of which people bathe) then to look at me. Some spy master he is. Or it could just be he saw me coming and decided to act like an idiot. Didn't know he owned a shop in Kumo either. I also got her some catnip as a joke. She was high for like fifty minutes before she had a nap. Which was odd because I didn't think bijuu affected their hosts this much.

For Samui, I conned Ai-san into giving me a D to C rank lightning jutsu scroll, and warned her only to practice if B or Yugito were around. I also may or may not have read the entire scroll with my Sharingan on. Thank you perfect eyes of Hax.

For Karui I decided to be a smart ass, and got her a plush toy dragon. I thought she'd blow up at me but she just hugged it close and said a really quiet thank you. Now I see how a girl like her could get with Choji.

For Atsui I just grabbed this generic thunder cats manga. I didn't know what else to get him since out of the four me and him talked the least. He liked it though

For B, I got him a stuffed octopus, and some sealing equipment with everything but the ink. He took the hint, and actually asked Ai for some sealing scrolls, like storage seals and shit. Ai was laughing for hours.

For Ai, I just grabbed some weights, and called him terry crews. I couldn't get him to do an old spice commercial though, which was a shame. I need someone who can represent the POWER of BEARGLOVE. Im having too much fun with this.

The trip to Kusa would be in three weeks, and it would take four to get there. So I was gonna make the next three weeks count, and hope that I got to keep Yugito. I really don't want to lose her.

Y2: M8: W2:

We were finally leaving. Ai would be taking three guards with him to 'make sure I didn't run off' or more likely to make sure that Hiru-jiji didn't try to kill him. He decided on Yugito (which was a surprise), B (not really a surprise there), and this other guy. I didn't know his name, he wouldn't talk to me, and he looked fairly generic anyway.

When we were leaving, I got spear tackle hugged by Karui and Samui, which was another surprise cause I didn't think either of them was the physical affection type. They were crying. I was crying. But I said if all went well we could see each other again real soon. Im not sure if that was just hopeless reassurance or not. I hope it wasn't.

Ai had a scroll strapped to his back, so hopefully the peace plans were gonna go off. If they didn't I was gonna try to grab Yugito and book it to Konoha as quick as I could with **Soru**. For some reason they never asked me to teach anyone Rokushiki.

I just realised I've been crying A lot since I was taken to Kumo. It's kinda odd cause in my past life I couldn't even cry. (((Not a joke I literally cannot cry for longer than ten seconds. It's weird)))

I can't wait to be home though. And hey this trip doesn't seem so bad, im traveling with two kage level ninja, two jinchuuriki. And some generic guy who'll probably die on the way or something.

I was also put on Yugito's back for the trip. I feel insulted, but her scent kinda eases that annoyance. She smells like lavender, it's nice.

Y2, M9, W1.

We're finally at Kusa, and we have to immediately head for the summit room. I wanted to sleep. Also throughout the trip I pretty much clung to Yugito even when we slept. I think I may have a crush on her. I don't know. Have to go now, we're being called in.

So Hiru-jiji looks pissed. Like really pissed. Like so pissed he could become an active volcano and it wouldn't be surprising. I waved anyway. And his pissed meter went from extremely to moderately. Which was good cause if we had an angry Hiruzen, then peace talks would likely be out the window.

Negotiations have been going on for the past hour. And Konoha, Suna, and Kumo are coming towards agreements on lots of things. I asked if what I heard about Suna's financial troubles were true, and then suddenly Suna has a hell of a lot more missions heading its way. If he weren't completely stoic, I think the Kazekage (I think his name was Rasa) would be crying. He also had Gaara at his left, and I waved at him. He got all guarded, so he's likely crazy. Which is a shame, cause I was hoping to help him if I could.

Eventually the negotiations went towards what could be done to make an alliance between Kumo, Suna, and Konoha possible. Suna mentioned some wind techniques, and maybe sword styles taught by Kumo teachers would be useful. Hiruzen wanted more because of the Hyuga incident. And the Uchiha incident. Which is fucking hilarious, I have an incident named after me and it's not my fault.

I did that little kid thing, where I asked if I could keep Yugito in a little girl's voice. Even Rasa's stoic demeanour was slowly crumbling. I think its cause Temari was considered a daddy's girl when she was younger, so he's more applicable to the voice.

I think Ai thought I wanted a jinchuuriki to myself. But I explained that I just didn't want to lose my best friend (which was literally the truth.) Hiruzen's interest was piqued by the fact I wanted to risk a political scene for one friend. I didn't give a shit, if I could get my best friend then it'd be worth it.

So Hiruzen mentioned that Yugito could become an ambassador for Kumo. In Konoha. Along with two other representatives of course.

Rasa piped up to Ai wondering if he could get training for Gaara from B. Ai sweated, before realising that In B's profile in the bingo book it said "Known Jinchuuriki. Which I found fucking funny, because I'd never noticed it before. Anyways so Ai was like "well it depends on what we get in return." And now both Konoha and Kumo will be learning the secrets of the weaker part of the puppet corps. Which was actually a surprise cause that shits closely guarded.

Once the meeting concluded, I hopped back on Yugito's back, and we headed over to Hiru-jiji (ill differentiate between them when he's being Hokage Hiruzen or if he's being Hiru-jiji), and Gaara begrudgingly went over to B. I feel bad for his immune system, cause he'll be going from blisteringly hot, to freezing. Sucks to be him. I also chucked a note at B, warning him that Gaara was likely unstable, and to keep him away from my minions. I did a vaguely threatening hand gesture, and he cracked up laugh. Then I heard the one thing I thought I'd NEVER hear from Kakashi.

When he saw the both of us he got his old spice voice on and went "hello ladies". I was so shocked I fell off Yugito. Hit my ass on the ground pretty hard too.

Also the reason the trip took four weeks, is because Ai liked to stop everywhere and sample 'one of everything' except for women (or dudes, I mean he's either married to Mabui, or he's gay. I dunno which, and I don't have the balls to ask. Literally now that I think about it) and he did this for EVERY FUCKING TOWN WE CAME BY. Apparently the trip will only take two weeks. I made a rock with Earth chakra, and chucked it at the back of Ai's head. It actually hit him, and put a nice looking welt on the back of his head. I laughed in victory. Until I saw his face, and paled extremely. Cause he was fucking MAD. Like B had to hold him back Mad. Until Hiru-jiji admonished him for threatening an academy student. And he face planted. I tried to tell him that I was but eh.

So we're gonna spend a day in this town, then we're going back home. I admit though, im gonna miss Karui and Samui. And Oimoi. Not Atsui though he was kind of a dick. Just kidding. But not really.

Y2: M9: W3.

So we're finally back home, and guess who's waiting at the gate but the entirety of my minions. Shino and Torune were actually bawling their eyes out when they saw me. And then acting like Franky from one piece and telling everyone "SHUT UP, IM NOT CRYING YOU BASTARDS!" (If you can guess what fan fic I got that from, you get a cookie.) It was hilarious. And also seemed to be a family trait. Cause Shibi was doing it too. So I decided to drop off Yugito's shoulders. And then I got dive bombed into the dirt by all of them, in an eleven person hug that Choji lifted off the ground with his **Expansion Jutsu**. I'll admit that I'm happy they missed me.

Then Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and Ino had to ruin it. They all cuffed me over the head and told me never to do that again. I did the fist shaking thing, and this time it was actually intimidating, because I'd activated **Earth Spear**. And then I chased after them. After that though Naruto handed me my frog plush. And then all was forgiven because I could smell him all over it, as well as salt. Which meant he was hugging it until I got back, and crying. (Or that he slept on it and spilled ramen, but since there aren't any stains, and Naruto is a messy eater, im more inclined for the first one.)

I'll admit that I was pretty eager to introduce everyone to Yugito. Naruto, Sakura, Shino and Hinata looked put off that I introduced her as my best friend, so I did the mature thing and stuck my tongue out at them. Then someone mentioned all the school work I had to catch up on. And that was how small children, like Konohamaru, learnt the word shit, when it was yelled out randomly one day.

Y2: M9: W4:

I was given a week to settle back in, and during that week I got Naruto to talk to Yugito about their Belly friends. Naruto was all surprised that she had a bijuu, until I explained the catnip incident, then he was laughing his ass off at her. Until she cuffed him on the head. Then he was grumbling. So I decided to leave them to get caught up with the other's life, since Naruto probably saw her as kin or something. I went walking, and found myself at the Rokushiki dojo. I could hear noise, so I went in, and found that Gai, Anko, and of all people Danzo were teaching my class. I squawked. I will never live it down. And all my students freaked (even the root agents) when they saw me. There were hugs, tears, and cries of YOUTH prevalent in the gathering. It was rather sweet. Even Danzo smiled when he saw me. A soft smile, but rather nice.

We ate. Then after a while I explained I'd be teaching them again in a week. I also noticed that all my students were more toned then when I was kidnapped, and wondered if Gai upped their training regimen (he did) and decided to keep it at whatever level they were doing, because it was working wonders for them. Kurenai and Anko looked less like hot as hell seductresses, and more like fucking Amazonians straight from the wonder woman comics. Which was, rather distracting to look at (I'll admit I preferred amazons to succubi) but I prevailed. And if they noticed my stares they didn't comment.

Y2: M9: W5:

So it was just like that, that the academy (more specifically, my class) got a new instructor in the form of Yugito Nii, from Kumogakure. A lot of the Hyuga (even Hinata, but she calmed down after I explained some things) were sceptical of her teaching us, wondering if she was gonna turn us into plants (lingo for infiltrators, people like the soviets would use them as sleeper agents apparently) working for Kumo. That lasted until her first class. Everyone loves her, because she'll kick your ass, and then she'll teach you. It got rid of half of the fangirl population, with the ones that stayed becoming more dedicated to their training from having an immediate role model. I think some of the older boys want to ask her out. I nearly stabbed a dude who talked bad about her, then saying how she'd be lucky if he touched her with a stick. He's stuck drinking out of a straw for the next five weeks. I regret nothing.

Lots of people were surprised to learn that I'd been taken to Kumo for six months, and not some place like Kiri or Iwa. Im thankful I was in Kumo. I'd likely never of met Yugito, Samui, or Karui otherwise.

Apparently once they become Chunin, Samui and Karui are gonna become ambassadors so they can see me. I was rather happy about that. But then I realised that by then Samui would have Tsunade sized breasts (I think anyway, they didn't specify when they grew in). So I was hoping I was at least moderately well-endowed for a thirteen, fourteen year old by then. And that I wouldn't have a nose bleed when I saw them, cause even in the anime she had a rather nice rack.

I also met Lee. And set him on the path to be a legend by offering to teach him friction forms of Rokushiki that rely on air instead of 'chakra' and air. He literally jumped at the opportunity, so now I have a side project with Gai to work on.

I also fought Neji again. And he went on about how my first victory was just me getting lucky with a cheap shot. So I nailed him in the nose, knocked him to the ground, and then just kept wailing on him until Iruka had to pull me off. Neji had a nose broken in three places by then, and I think I nearly broke the bone around his left eye. The circly one that holds up the rest of it.

Y2: M10: W2

Im sending more letters to Kumo, cause in my last letter from B, I heard it was Karui's birthday real soon. I sent her about ten thousand ryo. Apparently my account had tripled in size while I was gone. Which was nice. Yugito sent some money too. It was nice to bond over letter writing. I told her to kick ass in the academy, but to always be careful on missions when she became a genin, cause I wanted her to stay safe, and look after Oimoi and Samui. The letter I got after that called me a pansy who was as paranoid as Oimoi. But that she would make sure they both stayed safe with her. I smiled at that.

I wonder how playing matchmaker with her and Choji would go.

I also mentioned to Hiru-jiji that while Ai-san and the group were walking, we went by Takigakure. And that there was a little green haired girl sitting in the mud crying. That B and Yugito said was a jinchuuriki. He had a gleam in his eye when I left. I think I just snagged the village a new jinchuuriki. Jesus fucking Christ that sounded horrible in my head.

I also got a gold dust encrusted letter, saying thank you from the people of Suna for helping Re-establish their economy, even if it was through an indirect comment. I smiled. Maybe the Konoha crush arc wouldn't happen after all.

Im gonna stop writing now. This entry has taken forever to do, and I need to hang out with my minions again. Also I found out that Shibi did indeed want me to marry Shino in the future. Ill consider it given time maybe. Who knows, it might be fun. Im only nine and im already talking like that, what the fuck is up with my brain. And this world as well but that answer is obvious.

AN

Im gonna go through the chapters and pick off any fuck ups I made. For instance the Iruka being a teacher in chapter one, but then a new teacher coming in next year in chapter two was a pretty jarring one. So I'll have to go through and check for inconsistencies.

If you think Hisoka is getting over powered too quickly please tell me. I want this to be trash but I don't want to make a Mary sue. Because no one likes Mary sues unless the story is designed to be absolutely horrible. Or if they're done right like the Oogakari from Yawalh

Anyway sorry for the short chapter last time, it's just that I was starting to get sick of writing it, but I didn't want to fling it by starting with the next chapter midway in.

Also Hisoka's kidnapping will be a noodle incident instigated by Obito, hoping to get rid of her. Probably. I might change my mind. The reason it's a noodle incident is cause I can't be fucked explaining how she got kidnapped, because all of them would sound stupid. I'll try and write fight scenes, but im not that good at them so yeah. Whelp love you guys, thank you for following, and bye.


	4. Chapter 4: Changes

Cramps, Fire, New Hormones, and the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Chapter 4. Changes.

Hello all. It's me again, and im surprised that people actually went past the first chapter. I expected people to give this a once over then decide "it's crap" and I actually skipped once I saw that people continued reading, and I actually have a few followers of the story now. I just want to say thank you, and that I'll continue to provide the story. I also got a review and though I can't remember their name, I do remember that they told me that clichés weren't necessarily bad. I can agree with this, it's just that im unlikely to be able to integrate them as anything but shit.

From what I have read, this story is likely gonna stay as M. and because of that, I can take some liberties. The genjutsu labelled silence will likely be used soon (either this chapter or next) and it is indeed a silent hill type genjutsu. Come to terms, or you're fucked basically. Also im gonna be putting the English names by any jutsu I do in Japanese, mainly because unless it works better English, Japanese is generally better for them (Hiraishin for instance.) Anyway this chapter, as it is titled, is going to illustrate the changes over about two three years that have happened because of Hisoka's meddling. Among them is Naruto's chakra control. Read on, and enjoy I guess.

Y3: M1: W2:

It has taken three months, but Yugito and I are finally integrated with Konoha after being in Kumo for so long. I'll be returning fully to the academy, instead of just part time, and Yugito has decided to help Iruka teach my class (as well as some of the other classes, Kunoichi classes included) so that we're more up to par with her standards. Rule number one on the agenda, no more fan girls. I think Sasuke fainted when he heard that. And when we woke him up he thought he was dreaming. It was bloody funny.

Im thinking of whether or not to use a genjutsu to unlock his Mangekyo. But it's probably best to wait for Tsunade. Also apparently my kidnapping activated his Sharingan to one tomoe. I was overjoyed for him. And then I crushed his spirit with speed training. I could feel his despair. It feeds me.

Whenever we aren't at the academy, I'm making sure that Naruto trains his chakra control, so as to actually go through the academy on his third try. He's not finishing early or im gonna be pissed.

I got help with Kurenai for that genjutsu I was telling you about. Funny thing, when you learn a new genjutsu you have to test it on yourself. I'll keep a pen and book in front of me so that I can still write (apparently though in my mind I'll still move, as long as I commit things to memory via writing, I'll be writing only instead of hobbling around) so now I'll have to go through my own silent hill.

Fun.

So im told that time distorts there, and that I'll need a member of the Kurama clan to assist me. Naturally I advocated for Yakumo since she'd have experience dealing with 'your mind makes it real' genjutsu'. Im not going to be alright in the head while im in there, and I'll need to deal with A LOT of shit.

Anyway that won't be happening for a couple months, so I won't have to worry about it. It's a sad thing that I still have the mental side of puberty in my head. Also that I'll be starting it reasonably soon I believe. (I was a really early bloomer back home so I won't be surprised if the same is true here).

Also among the noteworthy things that have been happening or happened while I was gone, apparently Gai has agreed to the turtle's (((im just gonna say he has the terrapin summons instead of tortoise or turtle summons cause it covers both kinda and it'll help if I shift from turtle to tortoise or something))) option of sage mode. Just so he can finish the Rokuogun fully. I felt the world quake in fear again. Part of his training was learning to be so slow, you were unstoppable. Im just gonna think that it's a time space jutsu that slows time so that you seem slow, but your so fast you'd kick ass in seconds.

Y3. M2. W1

Danzo missed me apparently. Said that while his two agents (he didn't say that of course but I knew) were good at Rokushiki they hadn't mastered it to the level that Gai or myself had. (I haven't gotten Rokuogun down yet but I can do each move respectively, though I do have trouble with **Tekkai**.) He wanted me to consider teaching another class of students, but I don't really want to teach any root agents except for the two he gave me, cause they can actually emote. Kinda.

We've also been helping Naruto learn the academy three, and he's gotten **Henge** (transformation) and **Kawarimi** (substitution) down easily. **Bunshin** (clone) is giving him more trouble, so we're having him make as many as he can, until he can get it down to three. So far his personal best is fifty, which compared to the regular academy student (or even Sasuke when he's tired) is fucking amazing. Speaking of amazing, while I was in Kumo Sasuke decided to help out at the hospital with Naruto, and ended up learning the **Healing palm** jutsu (((I forgot the Japanese name here))) which is impressive cause I didn't think his control was good enough. Then I learnt he passed out about twenty times before he managed to do it. Now I can laugh at HIM for passing out while training a jutsu. I find it odd though because I could never picture Sasuke as a medic, he seems too headstrong. Not to say that I'd ever learn it because fuck that, but still. OH god if we become the neo Sannin then I'm gonna be the Orochimaru of the group instead of him. DAMN IT.

Y3. M3. W5.

So Yugito has taken Naruto as her pseudo student while she isn't helping at the academy, which is sweet cause he'll be able to work with Kurama's chakra faster. She also understands that the information of him being a jinchuuriki is not something to speak about. But she empathises with him, and I watched her beat the shit out of these two dickheads that tried to bad mouth him. It was honestly adorable, cause now he's following her around calling her sister. It's great to embarrass her with.

Also I'm starting to delve into the inferno style, and im surprised that I can actually manifest it without using the Mangekyo. I guess once you have **Amaterasu** down it comes naturally, which is pretty cool cause now I can make a sword out of black flames. I wonder what colour my **Susano'o** will be. Im hoping black or dark grey.

Anyway I've managed to start an old spice guy feud between Kakashi and Gai funnily enough. When people watch it both of them can make people faint, either with suave or POWER which is hilarious to watch. What's also great is that whenever one of them does it, a medical nin is always there on standby, AND they've been paid by the company (shop? Whatever) that makes old spice. My devious plan has come into fruition.

Hiru-jiji finally managed to track down Jiraiya again, and I finally got some weight seals, which is awesome cause now I can actually train. They're only set to 1.5x weight so I only feel like im wading through water, or loose mud. They'll go up to 2x once I've gotten used to them and I can run with them on. So that's something to work on.

Also I've managed to get two parts of my body coated in **Earth Spear** while practicing without passing out. I can get three but after it's turned off I either faint or feel completely exhausted afterwards. I can also Get one Limb completely black, and use it for five minutes, but I'll likely pass out after it's turned off. Though Earth Spear is starting to become second nature cause instead of twelve seals to start it I only need seven (((im not sure how many seals were needed to activate it and I'll change it if someone tells me the correct amount))) it's still difficult to fully manifest without feeling the drain on my chakra from it. It's REALLY a chakra intensive jutsu, despite what Kakuzu would have you think on that matter. Stupid earth grudge fear bullshit. I'd laugh if the creator of earth grudge was named Kayako, as that's the name of the stringy haired ghost lady in the grudge.

Y3 M4 W2.

So apparently I'M the one in line for becoming the Uchiha clan head. Which basically means that once I hit genin I can take it over, but can't fully do anything until I hit chunin. But it also means I can induct people into the clan. Which I did. So now Naruto, Kakashi and Yugito are formally part of my family. It also means that I'll have to do paper work when I finally take up the mantle but that's fine.

What isn't fine is that they expect me to hit jonin, stay there or go ANBU for a few years, then have a kid or two and settle down as a housewife. And im just like NOPE. If I do have kids then the father can raise them cause I'll be busy doing ninja shit after the whole breast feeding thing is over. Or even before then. I SWORE that this world will know my name, and it WILL. I just felt the world quake in fear again, I get the feeling it's more empathetic then it wants to reveal.

Also while I get the feeling that I am a transmigration reincarnation, or at least Hisoka was, it isn't of Indra. Which leaves three other people and im not a Hyuga, or at least not dominantly so, so that leaves two people that had the Sharingan. The sage of six paths Hagoromo Ootsutsuki himself, or his mama the white rabbit princess Kaguya Ootsutsuki. Both of which leave me feeling giddy cause like DAYUM that's a lot of power. I wonder if one of them was in the same situation I was, where they're from a different world and use that knowledge to make new jutsu. Or maybe I AM Kaguya and I get sent back in time to eat the fruit. And then go crazy. SHIT!

Went off on a tangent there anyway class is better than ever, and we're actually learning abilities that'd be useful as genin, like rope escape, or fire dart. **Rope escape** is an e rank jutsu that does exactly what it suggests, **fire dart** is an e rank jutsu that fires off a flare. Next week the rest of the class will be learning the **Shunshin** jutsu. I feel bad for their eyes, and their legs. Not really, their agony will feed my soul. Bwahaha.

Y3 M6 W1.

So people have been treating Naruto badly, and are getting pissy because members of ANBU are detaining them for attacking a member of a low numbered clan, which is a double joke cause he's also the last loyal Uzumaki half-blood in Konoha, or god forbid the whole land of fire. Under the pretence of exploring, I took Naruto, Sasuke, Shino and Torune to the Uzumaki compound, and surprisingly enough it wasn't a hovel, or even a shithole. It was a fucking PALACE. Or at least it looked that way with how pristine it was and how the walls practically radiated elegance.

There was a blood seal on the door, which im lucky it actually was when I suggested that Naruto bite his thumb and unlock it, otherwise the chakra in his blood could've made the gate explode. Seals are scary man I swear.

Anyway once we went in, it was actually rather quaint. There was only one fountain made out of marble, and it was in front of the gate. Plenty of scrolls though, even scrolls detailing how Naruto could learn to use chakra chains. Surprisingly enough there were no pictures, which was kinda sad.

Naruto didn't want to live there though, cause he'd get too lonely he said, and instead decided to move into the Uchiha district so he could stay with us. I was gonna tell him we didn't live there but he was too adorable. And besides we'd been meaning to go back and live there anyway.

He was over joyed with the chakra exercises, and the chakra chains though, and I knew that he'd practice them reverently. I wonder if he'd share the exercises with me. Questions for later.

Y3 M6 W5.

So Sasuke, Naruto and I have all moved to the Uchiha district, and it was pretty quiet. Which is nice for concentration but also really creepy when you're not practicing. So I said to Hiru-jiji that he could set up the places for housing people who want to get away from their clans or families, but only if they can tolerate Naruto. We had fifty offers in the week, mostly from 'retired' (ANBU more like) jonin who wanted a few years of relaxation. And then eventually the whole place blew back up. We had families, shops like food stores and clothing stores, even a little stand that sold ice tea and old spice. It was wonderful, and even if he'd never admit it Sasuke loves it too. Little sausage is growing up on me.

Though surprisingly enough the happiest out of us is Naruto, cause none of the shops turn him away, AND Ichiraku moved in. claimed that the atmosphere was more homely. We're thinking of changing it from the Uchiha district to the Uzu-Chiha district, out of partnership of our near extinct (in the land of fire anyway) clans.

Also a girl with dark skin, yellow eyes and mint green hair has been moved in, and I'm surprised that Hiru-jiji got Fuu this quickly, cause the land of waterfall is ages away, and they'd have to wait to get her. Though seeing as she isn't trying to escape she's probably here cause she wants to be. I have another to add to my minions.

Naruto also learning that she was a jinchuuriki and pretty much clung to her. I wonder if it'd be rude to set them up with each other later in life? The shipping possibilities are endless.

I wonder if I could get Hiru-jiji to find Karin and her mother? Two extra Uzumaki would be a rather lucrative prize for a ninja village, and Naruto gets family. I'll go do that now actually.

Y3 M7 W2.

I've been given confirmation that they'll be seeing if Karin and her mum want to come to Konoha, and told Naruto that two Uzumaki might be moving in. he grabbed me in a hug and wouldn't let go for ages.

Sasuke and my birthday went by, and this time Naruto, Hinata AND Shino got me something. Naruto got me a raven plush, Hinata got me a hair ornament that was this golden toothed comb looking thing with a lavender flower with three tomoe on it, and also a comb cause my hair is looking like a mini Madara's, and Shino got me a Hercules beetle grub, and instructions on how to care for it. He thought I'd throw it away but I put it on my head and hugged him cause Hercules beetles are AWESOME, and it reminded me of the **Earth Spear** which is cool. He went all red it was adorable.

I was told the beetle, whom I'm naming Hera, was a female D something Hercules beetle that would actually end up growing to about two feet, and then would start laying Kikaichuu. So Shino gave me a clan secret as a birthday present. Im REALLY flattered.

I was also given a Gunbai, a giant war fan with three tomoe on it, by Hiru-jiji and it was decked out in old Uzumaki seals. I think this was Madara's gunbai cause it has a sickle attached to it as well. I'll admit that I squealed.

I also finally looked at my Mangekyo in the mirror, and unlike Itachi's which looked like a three pointed shuriken, or what Sasuke's would look like with that atom symbol thing, mine ended up looking like a sort of lop sided version of Kakashi's Kamui shuriken, with two points near each other but the third going over most of the sclera, and a black line connecting each one with the outside of it and a concentric circle going around the inside connecting the pieces to each other just under the point. It looked AWESOME when it spun. Like an actual kaleidoscope.

Still a little weird though.

Y3 M8 W2.

So I got word that two Uzumaki were being escorted into the village. Naruto nearly cried when we walked out to meet them with Hiru-jiji. They both just looked giddy to find a family member. Then this hug broke out and it was real sickening to watch and- oh im not that heartless. It was nice to watch him find more of his family, and they decided that along with Fuu they would move into our house so that Kurumi (that's Karin's mum's name by the way) could keep an eye of her nephew and her daughter. It was really heart-warming, cause I saw Naruto fear of rejection in his eyes.

They found out how some of the villagers treated him, and three ANBU had to hold Kurumi back cause she had murder in her eyes and was looking to carry it out. We managed to calm her down by me showing her the old spice battles Gai and Kakashi were having at the time. I think she was hitting on Kakashi, and he seemed interested in her. Like romantically. I squee'd again, brought out a note pad and writ down another possible ship. I accidentally writ Kakashi as dad and now he won't let it go. He even convinced Kurumi to say that I could call her mum, the dick head. I did it anyway cause it made me feel nice, then all the minions were calling her mum, even Yugito.

Speaking of Yugito she's starting to look like an amazon from the Rokushiki training I'm having her undergo with Gai and me, so that she can be strong enough to fight back if the akatsuki come after her, not that anyone knows that. I'm not losing my best friend, consequences be damned.

Y3 M9 W1

So Kakashi and Kurumi are going out. I found this out while I was walking around the village and saw them both at the jonin lounge (which surprisingly enough is a public place) flirting, eating and enjoying each other's company. Oh and Kakashi had his mask off and was kissing her cheek when she kissed his. I kept my mouth shut and kept walking, but the second I got home I squealed. IM NEVER LIVING IT DOWN DAMNIT.

If you're wondering why I haven't used silence yet, it's because I'm scared that I'll lose myself in there, and I don't want to become brain dead stuck in an eternal cycle. So I'm doing everything in my power to psych myself up for it, and making sure everyone's happy before I go in, cause I don't know when im gonna get out.

Naruto, Karin and Fuu all took to each other like oil and fire. Explosive, dangerous and amazing to watch. I'm fairly certain that if Yugito asks to train them then they'd be indestructible together. But from what I've seen Yugito is applying for dual citizen ship of Kumo and Konoha so she can actually train a team as a jonin sensei. And it'd be great if she managed it. I also heard that Anko had made jonin, and that she was looking into getting whatever team I got on. I was jumping for joy and hugging her when I heard.

I also started the most 'wonderful' thing about being a woman. Puberty. The cramps feel like my insides committed seppuku and it SUCKS cause one minute I wanna cry the next I want to murder something and then the next I want to hug someone and have my hair stroked. I also believe I started it REALLY young cause a lot of the women in the village are giving me weird looks. I dunno.

Y3 M9 W5

So I was talking with Hiashi, and he brought up that he was considering using a contract signed by Kushina and his wife Hitomi where if they had a child of the opposite gender then they could arrange for them to be married. I was tempted to say yes, just shout it to the fucking heavens, but Naruto doesn't really understand why Hinata likes him, so I said give it a couple years, see how things play out, but keep the option there for both of them. I think that was a secret test cause he smiled afterwards. I also asked him if he had any records on how to unlock the tenseigan, and he just said something about how the devil god's eye must mix with the rabbit's to unlock the moon. So essentially I think I'd need a sharinnegann to swap with a Byakugan or something so that Hinata could have awesome gravity powers of hax. Or maybe we just need a rinnegan, because in that case we can steal one from the different paths when Pein comes to play.

I've been meeting with Yakumo regularly, and she isn't how she was in that filler arc where her inner half was trying to take over, in fact her chakra hasn't even been sealed yet, which is great cause it means I can teach her so much. She can also manifest her inner half as a sort of transformation, but right now it only affects her hair and chakra. Her chakra doubles and her hair goes white. Naturally I told her to keep training with it cause she'd be a badass if she got it all under control, and then we could find someone else with a transformation that wasn't a jinchuuriki and become the demon squad. She liked that idea.

So Shibi spoke to me regarding Shino, and I find myself rather wierded out by my internal feelings, cause I like him, but not like that, but also like that. And the constant influx is irritating. So I went with the smart idea and said that when I was older, I'D decided who I'd marry cause I'd be the clan head. He nodded and accepted my answer before we went and trained. OH and his wife's name was Shima.

Hera is growing well, she's already larger then my hand when she's curled up, and looks like she's ready to start to pupate. Shino and Torune are excited for when that happens cause they're gonna try and see if I can get Kikaichuu beetles to integrate with me. Or they were until I told them no, I'd keep her as a spare hive for either of them. Torune looked interested cause his Kikaichuu were less volatile lately but still able to chew through anything they touched given enough time. Then I told him about army ants and he got the idea quickly.

Naruto and Karin were happy when they found out that Kakashi was dating Kurumi, mainly cause me Naruto and Sasuke all called him dad and considered her a mum. Karin also started calling him dad, and while he'd never admit it, whenever he hears that his smile reaches his eyes now. I think we're helping him get over some of his trauma the more affectionate we are towards him and the more we treat him as if he's reliable. He also punched a civilian that wandered into the Uzu-Chiha compound and threw a bottle at Naruto. No one called him out, out of respect for the fact that he defended a child.

Konoha's changed quite a lot since I was brought here, and I'll admit I love it. I've taught some fellow ninja one hit kill techniques, I've gotten two jinchuuriki to come to Konoha, Naruto has family that isn't adopted, Kakashi has gotten over his grief (mostly), Sasuke isn't a brooding lil bitch, Hinata isn't a wall flower, Sakura and Ino both have five role models early (Kurenai, Anko, Yugao, Yugito and surprisingly enough, me) Shika is more energetic and motivated, Choji is way less self-conscious, Gai and Kakashi are way stronger than they were, Konoha is way more prepared for an invasion, Hiruzen has a way to get rid of his wrinkles, and Naruto has a safe place to live and buy things from.

I couldn't be happier for how things have turned out, and I'm glad they're going this way.

Which will make going through using silence on myself all the more difficult if I fuck it up.

It'd likely destroy all the progress I made.

I refuse to let them all break because of one little fuck up on my part, so I'm making sure they're all happy together as well.

I'll end this entry here.

End.

So things aren't gonna be nice next chapter, in fact I'll likely have to put up a warning for gore going from minor to major. Sorry I haven't updated in a while by the way I haven't felt like writing the story for a bit and I apologise for people who actually enjoy this story. As usual I love you all for reading, and your reviews and flames allow me to grow as a writer. Please tell me if im doing anything wrong.

Herpderp

Omake.

What if Hisoka Fell into Bleach instead? Part 1.

I woke up in Hueco Mundo with a mask on my face, and hunger. All I know fully is hunger. So I eat. And I eat. Growing stronger each time. Then I sleep. And then I grow.

I've become an adjuchas before I know it, and I have a feeling I'm growing way faster than a hollow should, but that doesn't really matter. My name, that I instinctively seem to know, is now Damaris Theresa Thatch. Quite a mouthful if you ask me. All that there is for me to do in the periods that im not sleeping is roam around and feed on adjuchas that attack me, or that I hunt. The only kill that I care to remember as important is a giant subterranean earth lion named Yammy or something, and he died screaming how I was a weak inferior woman. I met people who would become important later, such as Neliel, Harribel, Grimmjow, and even one Ulquiorra. He was a quiet sort, the other three were rather neutral. Though Harribel seemed to want to recruit me before I walked off. I must sleep now to grow more.

As a Vasto Lorde, I find that I can affect space. Or at least matter. I can make myself lighter to run faster, I can crush things under their own weight. I can even teleport if I feel like it. Then I see the jewel of Hueco Mundo herself, Las Noches. A great, though decayed palace. And at that moment I decide I want to kick Barragan's ass and take it over, so that I may fix it, and make sure we are more prepared for Aizen's machinations.

I find myself going to the human world, hoping to find Ichigo. The reason why eludes me, as I have no reason to feed anymore, and I don't know how I'd approach him as a hollow. Funnily enough I've arrived only a couple weeks after he got his Shinigami powers, so he's rather weak right now. I can feel that Urahara, Yoruichi, Isshin, the visored, and Rukia and Ichigo have all sensed my presence, but only Rukia and Ichigo come towards me.

I find myself at a dock or port, and find that I enjoy the feeling on sun on my skin. Or bone. Whatever accounts for skin as a hollow. When the midget and the strawberry finally arrive, Rukia finally realises that I'm a Vasto Lorde, and warns Ichigo that fighting me wouldn't be a good idea. I just look at them, and they look at me, before I turn around and go back to looking over the water and feeling the sun on my skin. It gets them riled up so quickly it's funny. I do explain that I'm not here to attack, though Rukia doesn't believe that cause im "just another evil hollow" which is kinda racist cause I have feelings too, muted as they are. So they try to fight me, and it goes about as well as you'd expect a weak Ichigo to do against an overpowered (to him anyway) opponent. Then they think im gonna eat them or something, and I want to slap them. But I don't. I just leave, going back to Hueco Mundo, and getting ready to face Barragan for rightful ownership of Las Noches.

I hope I win the ensuing battle with him, though I do find myself quivering in anticipation for the upcoming fight.

I probably won't see Ichigo again until Aizen comes to Hueco Mundo himself with the Hogyoku to create a hollow army. Though I could do without the stupid ideas that come into my head from a more romantic soul I ate, it's annoying hearing it speak but I don't know how to silence the voices yet. I'll learn how too eventually I just know it, doesn't mean I don't like the ideas though. Heh, make him mine, as if that'd ever work out well.

End for real this time.


	5. Chapter 5: Silence is Deafening

C. .MS. Chapter Five. Silence is Deafening.

Hello all my lovely viewers or readers I don't know what to call you, and welcome back to the story. I'm surprised with the fact that not only do you people enjoy this enough to continue reading, but that I've not once gotten a single bad review. I just wanted to say thank you all, and to also warn you that this chapter will A. be rather disgusting in the level of detail I'm gonna put into it with gore and the like, and B. be VERY mind screwy until later events. And I'm not giving hints unless you correctly guess it all, and I'll only send it to the one person who does. If that person is you please don't spoil it for anyone else. This will probably turn out like an apocalyptic log until near the end or with special interaction points with a character that'll be rather important to the future plot. Now then, onto the story.

Entry 1. Pre Silence.

So I'm finally gonna test **silence** on myself, and I'm REALLY not looking forward to it. I've got a new journal in front of me, and Yakumo to my side. She's gonna bail me out if things get really hectic but otherwise she's just supposed to monitor my mental-scape to make sure I don't break from the world I find inside my mind. The main thing I'm fearing is if this is Silent hill 2's system then I've gotta deal with pyramid head for even the smallest amount of guilt. I'm kinda terrified. Cause I feel bad about leaving Kumo and hurting Hinata. Even if it has been a few years.

ANYWAY. So before I go in, I should note that I managed to convince someone to get Tamaki, Neko-Baa and the ninja cats to move into the Uzu-Chiha compound. Sasuke was overjoyed. It should take some weight off of the pain if I don't wake. REALLY Hope that isn't the case but oh well.

This is way more serious than any of my usual entries, It's kind of unnerving.

Anyway so I have everything I should need, one mirror to cast the genjutsu on myself, one Yakumo Kurama to get me out of my mind if things go Pear shaped, and one Anko Mitarashi to oversee everything and make sure I don't develop a super powered evil side or something as a result of mind break. So in other words I'm REALLY not prepared to go to silent hill. Should be fun.

Entry 2. It Begins.

Upon casting silence on myself, it was like the entry point for Tsukiyomi, except it felt… Off. With Tsukiyomi it's like you look at someone, create a world where you can do what you want in your mind, then bring that person in. This felt like jumping into a pool of freezing water after swimming through lava and being covered with molten slag. A large exoskeleton that feels difficult to move in.

After my initial discomfort, the feeling minorly faded and I felt I could move again. And promptly found myself in an abandoned city, with a crane in front of me. And then I noticed my old body corpse thing on the ground underneath it. And from the looks of things I simultaneously had my head cracked open, and my brain crushed by skull fragments. Not pleasing to realise but at least it was quick I guess. That's a rather macabre thought.

So my experience here is like gonna be me accepting my death instead of just ignoring it. Which I doubt will be fun. Also my old body and the crane have disappeared, leaving a note and a pipe in their place.

On the note, it pretty much confirmed my thoughts, with the words 'Confront your Grievances, or perish.' Which I'm guessing meant I have to deal with everything in my lives. So for instance I have to probably come to terms that I'm a sociopath who can burn people to death, who took over a little girl's body. At least those are the vibes I'm getting from this. I could be wrong.

Entry 4.

I lost entry three somewhere along the way but that doesn't matter. I DIED again, and I felt really apathetic to the whole thing, which scares me worse cause I could become suicidally reckless just because I didn't care if I lived or died. The thought alone is scary. Though I do wonder that if I died, if I'd go back to the day Hisoka was born instead of waking up at the hospital. That'd be pretty neat cause I'd have enough chakra to take on the Yonbi Son Goku or something. Which'd be pretty cool but I'd likely have ADD or ADHD again because of the metric shit load of chakra in my system.

I just realised that I'm writing all this shit and Yakumo is reading it. Whelp there goes that secret. Please don't tell anyone Yakumo and I'll tell you your future if you don't wise up.

Anyway I'm off topic. I don't really remember what I writ on entry three, but once I get out of this place I'd likely find out. But I do remember that I was murdered in a car tunnel or something, cause there were no tracks to show that a train used it. Little bastard's ganked me in the knees before one of them got the idea to brain me. I understand that if done right on people that aren't Sasori or Kakuzu it's a one hit kill (or maybe even too Kakuzu cause I don't know if he still has a brain or not) but it's kinda annoying. Also painful. You know at first I thought I'd write out this kind of survival horror shit but really this seems more dark humour then anything. Like ugly cute things. I want to hug a mumbler.

Entry 7.

Lost three other reports. Had to run. Pyramid head is on my heels. Write more later.

Entry 8.

Got away from the big old bastard, which was helpful cause I was starting to get tired. I keep seeing this girl in the corner of my eyes, and she looks so much like a younger Kaguya with black hair that it isn't funny. She also REALLY reminds me of Hinata in that she seems too timid to approach. But since I can only see her in the corner of my eye I can't catch up to her and speak to her. Which sucks cause it'd be nice to have company here.

Anyway so yeah, I found the big guy after encountering what appeared to be a giant caterpillar leech thing. it died when he jumped off the roof of this building which is rude CAUSE I WANTED TO KEEP IT. I'd already named him Deus to go with Hera. Rude fuck is what he is. I wonder if I can keep things from this reality and cross them over.

Oh and if you're wondering, no I'm not a little girl in silent hill, I'm also not my old self in silent hill. I look like a Chick Madara in silent hill, long spiky as shit hair and all. Wearing a black body suit that kinda covers everything but you can still see bits of me if you look hard enough.

Entry 10

It's been a day in here, and I've found a few "safe" places to sleep. As long as I leave the radio on at low volume it'll wake me up but not alert any monsters that are nearby. I seem to be losing track of parts of the writing, so either they are important, or they outline something I'm not supposed to know yet. Whatever these entries have, they'll be found out if I leave here, or if someone reads this journal.

Speaking off, Yakumo since you're reading this I've hidden my journals since arriving here in my room under a sealed compartment. If I don't exit this dream world, take them and give them to Naruto and Sasuke. It not only shows my thoughts on the previous years but it has my notes and ideas on what they become, and how even if they got there they could be stronger. There are notes for all my minions, Kakashi, Kurumi, Gai, and Anko. Even you. Enjoy them even if I DO get out of here.

Entry 15.

Five pages are missing from this dream note book thing. Or is my mind just in an alternate body made for this reality? I'm not sure really.

I met the girl. Her name is Aanatsu Ootsutsuki. And when we first met, she called me mum, before hastily stammering that I looked like her mum. Except that her mother had red and black hair, and more chakra then the shinju. This poor girl is OLD damn it.

I also learnt that while I can't use the mangekyo's abilities in here, I can still use the Sharingan in its' base form to slow things down for me to evade. And since most of the monsters here are slower than the average genin, it's easy to avoid most attacks. Unfortunately they wised up to my little tricks, and are using sneak attacks, and going for the eyes.

I also haven't ran into pyramid head since the first attack, which is good cause I don't want to meet him again anytime soon.

Entry 16.

Aanatsu says that she wants to leave with me when I do. Naturally I jumped on board with her plan because this girl is adorable, and I want to keep her. Also because she's got dominant Uchiha genes with Kaguya move sets. Like GOD DAYUM THAT'D BE KICKASS. I wonder if I could steal Kimimaro's bloodline somehow. Questions for later. She said that it'd take a large amount of chakra, but she could create a new body to inhabit if she got the raw measurements from mine, and while that screams of a trap usually, she only has half as much chakra as I did, and is the same age as my body is right now.

She also says that she could teach me how to unlock my latent family genes. Which would be fun cause like I could have the tenseigan or something.

Gotta go, the radio is screaming again.

Entry 20.

The otherworld is strangely beautiful, in a destroyed, monstrous way. I mean, yeah blood and intestines line the floors and walls, but the puddles of blood mix with the rust flaking off from these fences that spring up and it looks like they're burgundy red snowflakes. I feel oddly serene here, despite knowing what will likely attack me here.

I feel fulfilled here.

Maybe that's why the otherworld is so scary to us, because we want to stay, and it doesn't want us to leave.

Maybe I just don't want to leave Aanatsu.

Entry 26.

Made it out of the otherworld, and picked up a gun along the way. Nothing special, just a ten mil pistol. Still effective against most of the common monsters here.

The otherworld officially terrifies me even more now, even though the over-world, or fog-world was usually what scared me more out of the two. Neither of them beat the dark world though, fuck that.

So the previous boss I killed in the otherworld so I could leave was this weird thing that reminded me somewhat of asphyxia, in that its' mouth was covered by hands. So where it's eyes and ears though, so maybe it was just a see no, speak no, hear no evil kinda thing.

I think it dealt with how I perceived others views of me, believing that they wanted me to be unseen, unheard and unspoken. Fricking silent hill, making me thing all deeply about things I don't want to think about.

Course that's kinda the point of it isn't it?

Entry 28.

Aanatsu seems agitated or nervous about something, not quite sure what, but it seems to trouble her. Ever since I met her I haven't seen or even heard pyramid head, whereas before I could hear his knife scraping in the distance. This worries me for reasons I cannot fathom.

I'll admit, aside from some puzzle solving the only noticeable thing that's happened while I was here is Aanatsu getting more affectionate, rubbing her head against my face and random hugs, things like that. But the lull in chaos is more worrying then anything that happened while I was being attacked.

Aanatsu wants me to stop writing for now, says she's found something important. Wonder what It could be.

Entry 34.

Aanatsu is gone. I'm having to steady my hand to keep from trembling, but I can't find her anywhere. In the otherworld it's understandable cause it's like reality (for whatever that means here) is re-writing itself to be something else to better break someone.

The Monsters are back, so I'll have to stop writing now.

Entry 35.

I'm back in the otherworld now. Still can't find her anywhere. Maybe she is the temptation to keep me here. I hope not, she's a very sweet girl.

This place is still hauntingly beautiful. I think I've found Aanatsu's room.

I will write more later.

Entry 36.

Apparently soldier pills represent health drinks in this world, because I finally found one.

This is useful, as I've been over-reliant on medical packs, which are undoubtedly rare.

I will continue writing once I leave this other world, this other home.

Entry 37

So a lot happened in a small amount of time. I got out of the otherworld after I dealt with a boss that started as what I thought was a worm but was actually a giant caterpillar, which then spun a cocoon and from that cocoon became a great moth. Like the perfectly ultimate great moth from Yu-Gi-Oh. It was weird, but pretty cool to watch. I also have a shotgun now.

The best part is I found Aanatsu again. I'm gonna make sure I don't lose sight of her again. Cause her disappearing worried the fuck out of me.

I wonder how you're all doing out there. I miss you guys, but as long as I have Aanatsu I'll be fine.

I feel safe around her.

Entry 40.

I encountered pyramid head again. But he wasn't hostile. In fact he was oddly docile around me and Aanatsu. Just walked with us dragging his bigass knife around. It was kinda cute to see him follow everything she said like a puppy. His pyramid wasn't long and angular though, it was like that helmet from bloodborne where it was perfectly conical sticking straight up. It looked silly.

I'm starting to get worried that Aanatsu controls this place. Stay on standby Yakumo.

Entry 1-A

I am Aanatsu Ootsutsuki, and to the one who is watching over Hisoka, you'd better not interfere. SHE'S MINE, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER.

I'll make this perfectly clear to you if you try to take her out of here.

Now this page will be removed, like all the other ones that had problems on them.

Entry 41.

Sleep in this place isn't really needed but it makes you feel better all the same. Kind of like having a nap, or just nodding off under a tree.

Aanatsu's started calling me mum. Which is flattering but distressing cause I'm only ten in my physical body. Oh well I look like a mother amazon or something and she's adorable so it's fine.

I just realised that if I ever fight someone above genin I'm gonna need to use a true henge to make my body look like this so that I don't over extend with something.

Gotta go, Aanatsu's getting antsy.

Entry 45.

This notebook is starting to run out of pages. Where did they all go?

Aanatsu got angry a while ago when I mentioned leaving. Then she disappeared again and I got forced into the otherworld.

I have a pipe sticking out of my stomach. I can see my intestines peeking through it and it feels excruciating if I forget that this isn't real even for a second.

I don't think Aanatsu wants to leave. She wants me to stay.

-Notebook has ran out of pages—

I've had to ditch the notebook, but I guess if I keep track of things mentally it should work as me writing things the same.

I think Aanatsu might be a yandere. Cause this whole thing REEKS of If I Can't Have You syndrome.

I removed the pipe a little bit ago, and the wound is gone now.

I can hear pyramid head scraping by, looking for me. This is worrying, as I have no way to defend myself. The weapons I found simply faded away when I grabbed them.

She really wants to kill me doesn't she?

I'm scared.

-Later-.

Entry 1.

I found another notebook. It was in a diner in the fog world.

I managed to get out of the otherworld, but now everything is keener on hunting me down. I can hear pterodactyls flying on by, and it's making me worried.

I can see Aanatsu, and she looks furious at me.

A window broke. I need to move.

Entry 2.

I can't go close to Aanatsu or I start to forget things.

She's aged. Before she looked to be about nine or ten, now she's about twenty. I have no idea why she's aged herself but she 'is' rather attractive I'll give her that.

I found a note, saying that she'd make sure I stayed here forever.

That doesn't sound fucking ominous at all now doesnit?

Entry 3.

While I can't use chakra in this place, my body is still conditioned to work at the limits I found for myself when I didn't consciously or subconsciously use it. Which means I can out run the skinned dogs and pterodactyls. It also means I can scale buildings piece of piss.

I think that Aanatsu can only influence the otherworld, cause I've seen her walking around calling out for me. Saying that she's sorry she overreacted, and that she wanted me back.

WHY DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A BAD RELATIONSHIP?

Entry 4.

I think she thought we were dating or something. And that her calling me mum was supposed to be a pet name or something.

I say this because I heard her say she'd forgive me and take me back if I just showed myself.

This is getting really weird man, like I thought she meant that she saw me as her mother or something.

This place is stressing me the fuck out man. Like honestly it's just odd hearing someone who was only ten a day ago treating me like I'm her ex-boyfriend or something.

GIRLFRIEND SHIT, I'm too used to being a guy STILL?

Entry 5.

I've been avoiding the otherworld as much as possible, but I've realised I need to go through there to get further inside the jutsu so I can finish it and get out.

So I went back there. And Aanatsu popped up the second I did. She looked less pissed and more "happy psycho ex-girlfriend who thinks you're taking her back."

She then proceeded to latch onto my arm and not let go. She's sleeping right now, and I realise that I should only write while she's asleep if she's with me.

Entry 6.

Back In the fog world, and the only weapon I have right now is a fire axe. I'm not complaining mind, it's just I wish I had something I could use from range. Then again it IS pretty effective at destroying anything that gets too close.

Aanatsu is treating me like a boyfriend on thin ice or something. Except instead of being exiled to the couch if I do something stupid, I'll likely be fucking murdered. Fun.

The town is changing a lot, and instead of looking like wellington, it's become a Japanese version of silent hill, with tiled slanted roof tops and rice paper doors. Yet it also kept things like diners from the fifties and sixties.

We came by this church, and I heard this lady giving sermon or something. But Aanatsu led me away and told me not to worry about that, as it was someone else's destiny to face.

When I looked back the church was gone. Maybe If I got older, going out with a girl who had reality warping powers wouldn't be so bad.

Course I'd have to be able to deal with her psychosis, but that's the challenge in all of it.

Entry 7.

So she read the previous entry.

She's been talking my ear off for the past thirty minutes, mainly gushing on how nice it'd be if I went out with her, instead of the other way around. Aanatsu scares me man, cause she can be apoplectic and wanting to kill me, to acting like a schoolgirl around her first crush.

It's adorable, but disconcerting. Mainly cause I wouldn't mind, but if I messed up I'd likely die.

I wonder how many times I have died, and she's brought me back. Maybe that's why some of the old journal's pages were missing.

Need to go cause I think Aanatsu's gonna jump at me for ignoring her so I can write.

Entry 8.

Aanatsu went off somewhere, saying how she had to assist an Alice or something. I think she's stopping Alessa from dying because of the incubus or something.

She told me not to do anything she wouldn't do, so being suicidally reckless and going to the otherworld is still on the plate. Not that I'd honestly want to but it seems to be the only way to progress through this wack job world.

I kinda wish I was still a guy, cause while I'd have no problem dating her I don't think the true henge would allow me to have kids.

Can't believe I actually want kids.

Entry 9.

I'm back in the otherworld. Or I was. Now I'm in what people call the "Dark World" and holy shit they aren't kidding. It's rather bleak here too, like there's pretty much nothing but blackness and stone.

So I'll have to trudge forward and hopefully at the end of it the final boss will be there.

Feels like I've spent a month in here or something so either I'm procrastinating or this place warps time.

I really hope I can bring Aanatsu with me. I'm probably completely mad for wanting to do so.

Entry 10.

I fought the final boss creature thing. it screeched how I would never amount to anything in like and that I should just die. So it represented my self-loathing and depression I'm guessing.

There's a light in front of me, but I'm not going into it yet. I WILL wait for her to get here. Consequences be damned.

Entry 11.

She's here. And she's angry that I haven't gone through yet. And I'm confused cause I thought she wanted me to take her with me. This is weird.

So I'm just gonna grab her and jump into the portal, hoping for the best.

See you on the outside Yakumo.

-Outside pov-

A pillar of light opened up in the centre of the room, blinding the large group of people who'd come to see if Hisoka would pull through this genjutsu.

Among them were her minions, Gai, Torune and Shibi, Danzo and Hiruzen, and Kakashi and Kurumi.

When she shot up and gasped for air, everyone breathed a sigh of relief, then confusion as a young woman stepped out of the white pillar and into view. The main thing they noticed was the tattoo on her forehead, and her long black hair.

They all sweat dropped when she was tackle hugged by Hisoka, who was shouting out repeatedly that it worked.

The worst part about it was that Yakumo had transformed into her "Devil Trigger" as Hisoka had named it, out of fear for whatever was written in the journal. Which was promptly handed to Hiruzen to look over, and to realise just how nutty the young woman who appeared was.

All and all this promised to be an interesting development, as Hisoka showed the strange woman to her minions, and told her that her brother, Hinata, and the Uzumaki's were all of Ootsutsuki descent, which confused everyone but left the woman giddy proclaiming that she'd remake the clan of power houses.

Then Hisoka mentioned something about the man living on the moon named Toneri, and how he was a full blooded Ootsutsuki, and funnily enough that he was single. The woman blushed heavily, and then walked up to Hiruzen, and said that her name was Aanatsu Ootsutsuki, and that she wanted to join the village.

Considering the alternative was being mauled by the bones he can see peeking out of her knuckles, he quickly agreed.

Life in the village would be hectic once she unlocked their family's genes, and Naruto figured out how to use the Shikotsumakyu.

Things looked to be fun.

Maybe they'd be better prepared for what the future holds.

Author's note:

Hello again all, sorry for not updating for a month. I've been focused on reading and gaming. I also went back on my word cause I said to myself that I wouldn't do this to you guys.

Okay so this wasn't quite the horror gore fest whatever I was hoping to write, and it's more comedic in tone then anything but it establishes some things that need to be there. Also before you accuse me of making god sues I just said that they Unlock their latent genes. Hisoka will only get the sharinnegann by the end of the story, and it will be justified. Though she will get the rinnegan at some point before hand, mixing the two won't happen for a LONG while.

I will be giving Hinata the tenseigan, just because that chakra cloak is too awesome to pass up.

Also I've learnt I'm not really good at writing anything that doesn't fall inside list format, but I'll try to write those things better. How did I do with the outside pov, did it work or not?

Also I wanted to go somewhere with Aanatsu but I forgot where it was going and just made her a possessive clingy jealous girl. It worked but I think it kinda took away from what I was going for. Who knows maybe you'll like her.

Also a short omake of humour for your souls.

Omake.

Toneri feels a disturbance in the force.

A young man can be seen in a large manor on the moon seemingly pondering his thoughts with his eyes closed. He sneezes, feeling as if someone is speaking about him behind his back or plotting something that involves him. Then he shivers, as if feeling the attention of a thousand Kaguya's on his person.

A woman appears in front of him, and he tries to jump back, he really does, but she's much too quick, and drags him through a portal.

He wakes up later in a hospital, as although he is ancient by normal standards they still had garishly white ceilings in patient's rooms. Then he realises he can see, and accidentally blows the ceiling off of the hospital.

He is thankful that whoever runs this village put him on the top floor of the hospital.

And then he's handed a mirror, and his eyes look like blue flowers.

And he smiles.

Months later.

After learning from what counts as his niece (over a thousand times removed) of a thing called star wars, he starts practicing the 'force' in private, so that he may create sabres of light, and how to choke someone without touching them. He finds himself enjoying his time in Konoha, and of Aanatsu's aggressiveness (rule number 1, don't stick your dick in crazy, rule number 2, crazy feels good) and wonders if there is anywhere he could live.

Though he does question his niece's sanity when she makes him create lightning and scream out UNLIMITED POWER in a raspy voice, it is rather funny.

End omake.

The events of this omake are considered canon, and Toneri is now living in Konoha. A cop out, most definitely. And you can all hate me for it later. The reason he isn't crazy is cause he was 'educated' on how to behave while in Konoha. This involved marshmallows, whipped cream, a very irate Aanatsu, and a giggling Hisoka who can't wait to have a new cousin niece whatever.

Haven't actually watched the last cause once Kaguya was kicked the shit out of and Naruto and Sasuke fought I kinda lost interest, and only paid enough attention to learn the names of their kids and Shin, and how everyone ends up, so if I don't describe the building correctly or capture Toneri's personality now you know.

Again, sorry for the long wait time I'm not good with a schedule, and the only thing I have planned for the story is the end. And if you can guess what it is based on the information I've given you please PM me cause I want to know what you think it is.

I love you all for reading my story, and I hope you continue reading.

I'd also really love some constructive criticisms cause I don't know how to improve if I don't know that I'm lacking in an area.

I got the best review as well, I don't remember their name but it went "all Uchiha are crazy, the only good one is a dead one" and I don't know why but I just found it hilarious, I dunno.

Also what should I write next as an omake? You give me ideas and I'll see which one I like the most.

See yas.


End file.
